*cough*
Sorry for the submarine analogy but bear with me, this might need a LJ cut in a bit.
First off, I am sorry my last few non writer's block entries have covered really really really depressing things like bad childhood memories and depression. How fun can that be to read?
SECONDLY: I am sorry I haven't made any updates that cover cheerier things.
June: I quit my job, go to my sister's SIL's wedding, read Twilight for the first time and pretty much lose my mind. Tickets have sold out for the Breaking Dawn concert series so I buy a ticket for San Diego Comic-Con 2008.
July: I learn my bosses husband has been diagnosed with cancer for the third and perhaps final time. She is swamped with personal issues and keeping her business alive and my work for her gets put on the back burner.
I go to Comic-Com with my bessie Laura, my sister Stephanie and her friend from work Athena. All 3 of them are converts to Twilight, led astray at my suggestion. Comic-Con is a combination of crushing disappointment mixed with moments of pure awesome. My sister manages to get a poster signed by Stephenie Meyer and the cast of the Twilight movie. After we leave the Con I get to meet a BGC in real life! We go to Famous Dave's and chat while eating BBQ and being insulted by the waiters. (It's a FD's gimmick) I wish I could have spent more time with Jess cause I know I wasn't as lucid as I wanted to be but I'm so glad I got to meet her!
August: I start 3 classes at FCC with some amount of trepidation. It's been under 2 full months since I quit my job and being around large groups of people is still a huge source of aggravation. I am taking English 3 (Critical Reading and Writing) English 48 (History of Am Lit from 1400-Civil War) and Edu 30 (Introduction to Education)
Sept: Not much happens
Oct: Nothing happens except I get frustrated at my Eng 3 teacher as he seems to be pushing his own political agenda instead of teaching us to think expansively.
Nov: My mother has her birthday on election day which means that as always (well in my case it never changes, in her's it does) my birthday is on Inauguration day. It is a historic event. Like I give a shit though because I am tired of having my birthday fucked with every 4 years. :( Especially since I am turning 30. Screw the president, I am having a 1/3 life crisis!!
Towards the end of November I am asked to develop a website and am able to do so http://www.arkfresno.com
Dec: I finish all my classes despite crippling anxiety that set in around the end of term. I get all B's which makes my term GPA a 3.0 which could be worse TBH as I know I was flailing in the classes requiring extensive essays.
I make myself go out and socialize with people I haven't seen in a while. They are all cordial but there is still some residual coldness that I think is linked directly to be being diagnosed bi-polar.
On Neopets I get suspended for the second time this year, the first time I called the most annoying user on the planet a Jerk while he was harassing my friends. That got me 24 hours. My second was for boobies. Yeah, I know. I'm really kinky. A regular Larry Flint of fucking Neopia. O__o Whatever.
For Christmas my sister and brother in law and my niece and nephew come to visit. I have not had so much fun in a long time. It's so fun to see them get older and develop their own personalities and interests.
For presents I got The Hunchback of Notre Dame which pretty much makes my friggin year since it's in the Disney Vault. My mom got an unwatched copy off Amazon. God Bless the internet. I also got a book on Novel writing, the movie "The Dark Knight," a coffee mug I really like, some cordial Hershey Kisses, silver coins and a necklace.
I got payed $612 dollars for the website I finished and promptly spent almost $300 on things my car needed and a $200 part my parent's car needed. I decide it's their Christmas present. I also pay a few bills and buy myself the last few things I needed for learning wire work. I am planning on trying to get a desk chair on sale after New Years.
Coming Up: I have 3 other websites I am working on. Well, no, more like 6? One for my mom, one for my church, one called [REDACTED], one called [REDACTED] and ultimately, [REDACTED] which is up but not looking so hot IMHO.
Financially I need to file a deferment on my Sally Mae loan, file my taxes for years I may have made enough to get a refund (which would be awesome and would go towards my bill from 2000) and figure out if I want to reapply for SDI. Actually, I think all I have to do is appeal but as I applied in 2005 I am unsure where to go from here. On the one hand I feel like a heel. On the other hand, I know I am not emotionally capable of being in a job where I have to face people. And if I can't make enough money being a freelance designer or jewelry maker then I HAVE to do something!
Well, that's about it. Over all I have a fairly positive outlook for 2009 and I know te things I want to work on/do. I'd like to be able to come back to my journal next week (Which would be Jan 4) and at least check off the deferment paperwork and the taxes!
Thanks for staying with me this year!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
FUUUUUUCK YOU UNIVERSE! (LJ)
Fuck you stupid Anxiety
Fuck you arguments with mom
Fuck you stupid ass depression
FUCK YOU STUPID ENGLISH 3 CLASS!
Fuck you stupid o;kv;jlkbn;lbn;lxc;lnvmzxgho9n;lzbf
YEAH :K
I have nothing intelligent or nice or introspective to add. :(
D:
Fuck you arguments with mom
Fuck you stupid ass depression
FUCK YOU STUPID ENGLISH 3 CLASS!
Fuck you stupid o;kv;jlkbn;lbn;lxc;lnvmzxgho9n;lzbf
YEAH :K
I have nothing intelligent or nice or introspective to add. :(
D:
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Ugly Ugly Memories (LJ)
I am 29.
I was abused since infancy until 15 and have always told myself "It wasn't that bad"
So tonight I have memories I have smooshed down for ages but I can't and I feel like I am dying. It's very hard to swallow or breathe and I want to go back to that comfortable place in denial where I can keep claiming that it wasn't that bad and that other people had it worse.
Regardless of how much it might hurt later I want to go back and for some reason I can't and it's confusing me since I have always tried to deny all of this and it won't let me.
How do you deal with memories that just pop back up from "no where" Where you know they are true but it disgusts you so much it's hard to even think about them long enough to deny them??
I want to write more but it's so disgusting right now I can't think about it because I am getting anxious even typing this much,
I thought I was OVER this. I can always look at people and tell them with a calm face that it doesn't bother me but it DOES and I am freaking out.
I was abused since infancy until 15 and have always told myself "It wasn't that bad"
So tonight I have memories I have smooshed down for ages but I can't and I feel like I am dying. It's very hard to swallow or breathe and I want to go back to that comfortable place in denial where I can keep claiming that it wasn't that bad and that other people had it worse.
Regardless of how much it might hurt later I want to go back and for some reason I can't and it's confusing me since I have always tried to deny all of this and it won't let me.
How do you deal with memories that just pop back up from "no where" Where you know they are true but it disgusts you so much it's hard to even think about them long enough to deny them??
I want to write more but it's so disgusting right now I can't think about it because I am getting anxious even typing this much,
I thought I was OVER this. I can always look at people and tell them with a calm face that it doesn't bother me but it DOES and I am freaking out.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Like anyone WANTS an update (LJ)
Well, it's Sept 8 2008 and my summer became the thing of one of those weepy Nicholas Sparks books but without anyone falling in love me.
Wait no.
I quit my job at Apple because I was under the impression that the woman I worked for would be sending me more logo and design work and because my mother noticed my mental well being was becoming affected by the poor scheduling and insanity of retail.
Several weeks after I quit I found out that her husband was struggling with cancer and when she told me what kind I knew, regardless of prayers and hope, he would die.
I didn't get any jobs at all so I worked around the house, made lots of jewelry and hoped the phone would ring...
I will update this later as I am suffering from anaphylaxis and need to lay down.
Wait no.
I quit my job at Apple because I was under the impression that the woman I worked for would be sending me more logo and design work and because my mother noticed my mental well being was becoming affected by the poor scheduling and insanity of retail.
Several weeks after I quit I found out that her husband was struggling with cancer and when she told me what kind I knew, regardless of prayers and hope, he would die.
I didn't get any jobs at all so I worked around the house, made lots of jewelry and hoped the phone would ring...
I will update this later as I am suffering from anaphylaxis and need to lay down.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Comic Con Coverage/Article/Pictures pt II (LJ)
5:15 am. We have been watching people arrive in waves and almost all of them are Twilighters. Finally, a few fully dressed Stormtroopers clomp by and even through their helmets they look a mite intimidated. News vans have been arriving intermittently, setting up for morning show segments and around 5:30am the lights over the sidewalk snap on, waking up most of the people napping. We only get a few more minutes of sitting where we are when suddenly people start bolting up and running. We've been told to move *again!* Instead of being guided in thr order we were all lined up in, people were allowed to run and shove, pushing people who had been waiting since the night before further back in the newly formed "line." Obviously this is untenable for obvious reasons.
The Twilight Moms assert themselves and ask to speak with the Events Coordinator. Needless to say, this situation drags on and we are ignored by quite a few people but I need to mention a gentleman named Russian and the female Elite employee they sent to help resolve the situation. They listen patiently and help get the long suffering Twilight Moms and the others with them back in the front of the line. Luckily, pictures I had taken helped figure out what order we all go in.
At 6:30 four of us get interviewed for CBS Channel 7 news. Very exciting. We head back to the line and take our places, no one sitting down now as we wait to be told we can go. The wait is spent nervously, people milling around waiting for the command and then it comes. Right after we get the go ahead, chaos ensues. Even though people have been told not to run or shove, it's happening all around us. So most Twilighters cling to the person in front of them as we walk as fast as we can. As they promised, once we are inside and up the escalators, getting our badges is almost painless.
Discovering that we still have over an hour to wait for the ticket drawing for autographs is mildly disheartening but it gives us time to freshen up. There is a bit of reunion in the woman's restroom as we fluff our hair, cool down and get liberally spritzed with cotton candy body spray. We chat about theories for Bella in "Breaking Dawn" and eventually wander back out into the Sails Pavilion, not knowing where they will have the drawing. The closer it gets to 9:30, the clumpier the crowd gets. It's hard not to panic a little as I lose sight of my group. Eventually I see a hand with red ribbon at the wrist but it's too late to try to catch up because at that moment we all hear "TWILIGHT!" And I am forced to take back what I thought about the stampede to get in to the pavilion. That was normal. This? This is pure insanity.
Hundreds of people surge forward like a human tsunami and I get told later by my slender best friend she was actually so smooshed she was almost a foot off the floor as the crowd carried her along. The wait is excruciating because we all know that there is no WAY the Con officials planned for this kind of response. Hysterical shrieks erupt from the front of the line every time someone gets a ticket. I chat with a woman who says she has met and gotten Stephenie's autograph. Even though we are in the same position in line I let her go ahead of me. Have I mentioned I hate irony?? She gets a ticket and I don't. I try not to cry because I know there are lot of other people who are disappointed like I am and if we all cried, we would flood the convention center. The last ticket is pulled in under twenty minutes and my group wanders down to the Convention floor to go to the Summit booth. After we find it and get our Twilight freebies we look at each other with a bit of dread. It's time to go stand in line for Hall H.
Once we get outside and see how long the line is, I become the "bag lady" for our group and sit down with our things while they go to stand in line. In under 15 minutes I see them walking up, my sister limping a little. I hand the bags back to Laura and Athena as my sister look at me sheepishly. "I pulled a Bella" she admits. When I probe Laura says they were in line and suddenly Stephanie dropped a little and fell forward on her hands. Turns out she had stepped into a hole where a light should have been. I ask Steph if she's ok and she nods but I am thinking we need to get her ice. She tells me the Elite event staff covered the hole but didn't offer her help so I tell her we'll get help when we get inside.
Once inside Hall H we get seats about 3/4 of the way back and Steph and Laura say they are off to the bathroom. While they are gone Athena and I hear screaming and look behind us to where the black curtain all along the back wall is slowly falling down, making "ping" sounds as the metal bars bend away from the wall and snap. It falls all the way down, Con attendees and Elite officials holding it up as best as they can to make sure no one else gets hurt. This delays the first panel but it eventually starts and is for "The Day the Earth Stood Still" Athena and I are getting wiggly as we both wonder where my sister went! I text her but get no response. Laura finally shows up and whispers that Stephanie got her ankle wrapped and because of Elite's poor treatment of her they were going to comp us all four day passes. Athena and I have the same response. That'd be great if we had planned a four day trip. But she has work and Laura and I have nowhere to stay. Athena suggests that instead, we all get a chance to see Stephenie. Laura leaves and comes back with my sister about the time the "Max Payne" panel starts. Laura and Stephanie sit down and before I can ask how she is my sister bursts into tears and starts apologizing. Through her tears she explains that only she can meet Stephenie. I kiss her head and cry too but only because she looks so sad. I smooth her hair down and tell her to get whatever she wants signed to her but to tell Stephenie how much I love her books. My sister shakes her head but stops protesting because about that time the announcer tells us there has been a change of plans. A ripple goes through the crowd as we all try to guess what that means and then we scream, the entire hall screams... Hugh Jackman walks onto stage and six thousand fangirls lose it. Somehow, Hugh isn't phased one bit.
The Twilight Moms assert themselves and ask to speak with the Events Coordinator. Needless to say, this situation drags on and we are ignored by quite a few people but I need to mention a gentleman named Russian and the female Elite employee they sent to help resolve the situation. They listen patiently and help get the long suffering Twilight Moms and the others with them back in the front of the line. Luckily, pictures I had taken helped figure out what order we all go in.
At 6:30 four of us get interviewed for CBS Channel 7 news. Very exciting. We head back to the line and take our places, no one sitting down now as we wait to be told we can go. The wait is spent nervously, people milling around waiting for the command and then it comes. Right after we get the go ahead, chaos ensues. Even though people have been told not to run or shove, it's happening all around us. So most Twilighters cling to the person in front of them as we walk as fast as we can. As they promised, once we are inside and up the escalators, getting our badges is almost painless.
Discovering that we still have over an hour to wait for the ticket drawing for autographs is mildly disheartening but it gives us time to freshen up. There is a bit of reunion in the woman's restroom as we fluff our hair, cool down and get liberally spritzed with cotton candy body spray. We chat about theories for Bella in "Breaking Dawn" and eventually wander back out into the Sails Pavilion, not knowing where they will have the drawing. The closer it gets to 9:30, the clumpier the crowd gets. It's hard not to panic a little as I lose sight of my group. Eventually I see a hand with red ribbon at the wrist but it's too late to try to catch up because at that moment we all hear "TWILIGHT!" And I am forced to take back what I thought about the stampede to get in to the pavilion. That was normal. This? This is pure insanity.
Hundreds of people surge forward like a human tsunami and I get told later by my slender best friend she was actually so smooshed she was almost a foot off the floor as the crowd carried her along. The wait is excruciating because we all know that there is no WAY the Con officials planned for this kind of response. Hysterical shrieks erupt from the front of the line every time someone gets a ticket. I chat with a woman who says she has met and gotten Stephenie's autograph. Even though we are in the same position in line I let her go ahead of me. Have I mentioned I hate irony?? She gets a ticket and I don't. I try not to cry because I know there are lot of other people who are disappointed like I am and if we all cried, we would flood the convention center. The last ticket is pulled in under twenty minutes and my group wanders down to the Convention floor to go to the Summit booth. After we find it and get our Twilight freebies we look at each other with a bit of dread. It's time to go stand in line for Hall H.
Once we get outside and see how long the line is, I become the "bag lady" for our group and sit down with our things while they go to stand in line. In under 15 minutes I see them walking up, my sister limping a little. I hand the bags back to Laura and Athena as my sister look at me sheepishly. "I pulled a Bella" she admits. When I probe Laura says they were in line and suddenly Stephanie dropped a little and fell forward on her hands. Turns out she had stepped into a hole where a light should have been. I ask Steph if she's ok and she nods but I am thinking we need to get her ice. She tells me the Elite event staff covered the hole but didn't offer her help so I tell her we'll get help when we get inside.
Once inside Hall H we get seats about 3/4 of the way back and Steph and Laura say they are off to the bathroom. While they are gone Athena and I hear screaming and look behind us to where the black curtain all along the back wall is slowly falling down, making "ping" sounds as the metal bars bend away from the wall and snap. It falls all the way down, Con attendees and Elite officials holding it up as best as they can to make sure no one else gets hurt. This delays the first panel but it eventually starts and is for "The Day the Earth Stood Still" Athena and I are getting wiggly as we both wonder where my sister went! I text her but get no response. Laura finally shows up and whispers that Stephanie got her ankle wrapped and because of Elite's poor treatment of her they were going to comp us all four day passes. Athena and I have the same response. That'd be great if we had planned a four day trip. But she has work and Laura and I have nowhere to stay. Athena suggests that instead, we all get a chance to see Stephenie. Laura leaves and comes back with my sister about the time the "Max Payne" panel starts. Laura and Stephanie sit down and before I can ask how she is my sister bursts into tears and starts apologizing. Through her tears she explains that only she can meet Stephenie. I kiss her head and cry too but only because she looks so sad. I smooth her hair down and tell her to get whatever she wants signed to her but to tell Stephenie how much I love her books. My sister shakes her head but stops protesting because about that time the announcer tells us there has been a change of plans. A ripple goes through the crowd as we all try to guess what that means and then we scream, the entire hall screams... Hugh Jackman walks onto stage and six thousand fangirls lose it. Somehow, Hugh isn't phased one bit.
Comic Con Coverage/Article/Pictures (LJ)
It's 1 am and I'm getting ready to leave Anaheim California for a 2 hour drive into San Diego for Comic-Con International. My best friend Laura and I had already spent six hours on a train getting to Anaheim and were traveling down with my sister Stephanie and her friend Athena. We are all recently new to the Twilight phenomenon and I will proudly admit, I got the other three girls traveling with me addicted as I am.
I brought a couple of outfits to choose from because I had attended all four days of the Con last year and knew that the weather can be fickle. After deciding to do my makeup first I glance down into my travel bag and see a small container of white glitter. The idea hits me like an atom bomb. I quickly shower and as I am getting dry, put on lotion, take the lid off of the glitter and go to town. Remembering tips from drama I grab hair spray and lightly mist every inch of me that is glitter drenched. Then I get my reddest lipstick, some purple eyeshadow, more hairspray for my hair and get dressed. The end result?
IMAGE HERE
Alice Cullen. At this point in the morning I am so excited I don't even mind that I am hardly petite. My sister decides to dress up like Rosalie and when she's ready we get in her car which is packed for the day and pick up her friend Athena. As we drive to San Diego we chatter and listen to hand picked songs burnt onto nine CDs. iTunes has certainly gotten a lot of money from us as we have downloaded our own soundtracks for each book. Some songs are ubiquitous, like "Time is Running Out" by Muse. Others less so like "Washington Square" by the Counting Crows.
We make great time and pull into the parking garage of the San Diego Convention Center around 3 am. When we get to the front, there is a line of people who aren't sure if they're where they are supposed to be. Eventually, we all get moved. A large group of people from the site TwilightMoms.com are sitting in the very front and have been here for hours. Some since 7pm the night before! My group ends up around 25 people back, all wearing red ribbons on our wrists in case we see any one from the Lexicon. I end up being one of the only people dressed up but I don't feel too silly. Not with the amazing array of home made shirts and even one woman wearing a patchwork vest featuring scenes from the upcoming movie! The creativity of the people around me makes the line feel more like a family reunion. Add to that the copies of all three books everywhere you look!
PICTURE HERE
Twilighters are sprawled in in clumps on blankets and pillows, some people sit in chairs, lean on each other or perch on igloos or backpacks. People who aren't sleeping are chatting about the books, theories for "Breaking Dawn" the team they are on, favorite characters and their hopes for the movie.
Con veterans occasionally dole sage advice about badge pickups, autograph ticket drawings and how long the wait for Hall H will *really* be. Regardless of age, gender or geographical distance everyone in line seems to be here for one reason. The chance to see Stephenie and hear more about the Twilight Movie.
I brought a couple of outfits to choose from because I had attended all four days of the Con last year and knew that the weather can be fickle. After deciding to do my makeup first I glance down into my travel bag and see a small container of white glitter. The idea hits me like an atom bomb. I quickly shower and as I am getting dry, put on lotion, take the lid off of the glitter and go to town. Remembering tips from drama I grab hair spray and lightly mist every inch of me that is glitter drenched. Then I get my reddest lipstick, some purple eyeshadow, more hairspray for my hair and get dressed. The end result?
IMAGE HERE
Alice Cullen. At this point in the morning I am so excited I don't even mind that I am hardly petite. My sister decides to dress up like Rosalie and when she's ready we get in her car which is packed for the day and pick up her friend Athena. As we drive to San Diego we chatter and listen to hand picked songs burnt onto nine CDs. iTunes has certainly gotten a lot of money from us as we have downloaded our own soundtracks for each book. Some songs are ubiquitous, like "Time is Running Out" by Muse. Others less so like "Washington Square" by the Counting Crows.
We make great time and pull into the parking garage of the San Diego Convention Center around 3 am. When we get to the front, there is a line of people who aren't sure if they're where they are supposed to be. Eventually, we all get moved. A large group of people from the site TwilightMoms.com are sitting in the very front and have been here for hours. Some since 7pm the night before! My group ends up around 25 people back, all wearing red ribbons on our wrists in case we see any one from the Lexicon. I end up being one of the only people dressed up but I don't feel too silly. Not with the amazing array of home made shirts and even one woman wearing a patchwork vest featuring scenes from the upcoming movie! The creativity of the people around me makes the line feel more like a family reunion. Add to that the copies of all three books everywhere you look!
PICTURE HERE
Twilighters are sprawled in in clumps on blankets and pillows, some people sit in chairs, lean on each other or perch on igloos or backpacks. People who aren't sleeping are chatting about the books, theories for "Breaking Dawn" the team they are on, favorite characters and their hopes for the movie.
Con veterans occasionally dole sage advice about badge pickups, autograph ticket drawings and how long the wait for Hall H will *really* be. Regardless of age, gender or geographical distance everyone in line seems to be here for one reason. The chance to see Stephenie and hear more about the Twilight Movie.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Unfit for normal humans (LJ)
I feel guilty because I can't tell you all how often I blog in my mind. I'll be doing housework or making jewelry and suddenly, well crafted phrases will begin to toss themselves about in my mind like pieces of torn lettuce that dance artistically through food commercials and make you wonder, "who makes a salad under a waterfall??"
Which means that in the end, by the time I get to my keyboard, I have this whole salad in my brain and eventually give up on trying to sort through the mix and pick out the pertinent points.
Lately, due to the fires here in California, I have had a deuce of a time with my asthma. Asthma does lots of undesirable things such as diminish your ability to breathe, alter your mood, make you tired and take a normal productive day and turn it to shite.
In spite of this I have been eating oatmeal for breakfast and exercising in the pool when the air quality isn't in the "deadly" range. But the sheer exhaustion is wearing on me because I am used to getting up and getting things done. The last two weeks I have been getting up, staring morosely at my computer and giving up and going back to bed. I'm not depressed which is good, but the work it's taking to take a deep breath and enjoy the day is getting harder.
My room has made leaps and bounds as far as cleanliness goes. So much of what I have left to do is just FINDING SPACE for things. I mean, this is what the boxes look like:
Christmas decorations, acrylic paint, oil paints and supplies, yarn, lap loom, half finished weaving, stuffed animals, CD's, cassette tapes, wires, more wires, hey look some wires, blank paper, stickers, decoupage supplies, (i.e. paper) glue, thumbtacks, un-sharpened pencils, old keyboard, OMFG wires, floppy disks, Zip disks, usb drives, glitter, scrap booking crap, cards, memory album stuff (cards, photos, ticket stubs, passes etc) photos, negatives, slides, 8 trillion Neopets trading cards, handmade ceramic items, silk flowers, jars, important paperwork, 29 sketchbooks, regular books, DVDs, VHS cassettes, buttons, miniatures, rulers, remotes, shipping material, tape, collectable coins, blank wood projects (boxes, small collectible items) picture frames and GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.
So, when I am not scanning literally over 15 years worth of art into my computer for filing or use, I am sorting photos, tossing old junk, detangling wires and wondering why the economy sucks. (More on this later)
I HAVE updated my Etsy account but I am unsure of how to promote myself. Do I ask my friends to ask their friends to look at my shop? Do I make a MySpace account just to whore and spam? (not what I want) Do I suck it up and start e-mailing EVERYONE I know and don't??
My boss at the Ad agency is still battling with her husband's brain and lung cancer so I know that her focusing on his health is more important than getting me a job, but it also leaves me to wonder where else can I use my talents to earn money??
It's confusing and confuddling. I AM an artist, but I WANT to earn money!!
At least I just need to hold on until Fall semester. I am taking 2 English classes and an Edu class to get closer to my BA in English.
Yes dear readers, you may wipe the spit off of your screen... I am going BACK to my original major!
I'm not sure what else to say here other than, I want some energy, some clean air and for my jewelry to sell!
Which means that in the end, by the time I get to my keyboard, I have this whole salad in my brain and eventually give up on trying to sort through the mix and pick out the pertinent points.
Lately, due to the fires here in California, I have had a deuce of a time with my asthma. Asthma does lots of undesirable things such as diminish your ability to breathe, alter your mood, make you tired and take a normal productive day and turn it to shite.
In spite of this I have been eating oatmeal for breakfast and exercising in the pool when the air quality isn't in the "deadly" range. But the sheer exhaustion is wearing on me because I am used to getting up and getting things done. The last two weeks I have been getting up, staring morosely at my computer and giving up and going back to bed. I'm not depressed which is good, but the work it's taking to take a deep breath and enjoy the day is getting harder.
My room has made leaps and bounds as far as cleanliness goes. So much of what I have left to do is just FINDING SPACE for things. I mean, this is what the boxes look like:
Christmas decorations, acrylic paint, oil paints and supplies, yarn, lap loom, half finished weaving, stuffed animals, CD's, cassette tapes, wires, more wires, hey look some wires, blank paper, stickers, decoupage supplies, (i.e. paper) glue, thumbtacks, un-sharpened pencils, old keyboard, OMFG wires, floppy disks, Zip disks, usb drives, glitter, scrap booking crap, cards, memory album stuff (cards, photos, ticket stubs, passes etc) photos, negatives, slides, 8 trillion Neopets trading cards, handmade ceramic items, silk flowers, jars, important paperwork, 29 sketchbooks, regular books, DVDs, VHS cassettes, buttons, miniatures, rulers, remotes, shipping material, tape, collectable coins, blank wood projects (boxes, small collectible items) picture frames and GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.
So, when I am not scanning literally over 15 years worth of art into my computer for filing or use, I am sorting photos, tossing old junk, detangling wires and wondering why the economy sucks. (More on this later)
I HAVE updated my Etsy account but I am unsure of how to promote myself. Do I ask my friends to ask their friends to look at my shop? Do I make a MySpace account just to whore and spam? (not what I want) Do I suck it up and start e-mailing EVERYONE I know and don't??
My boss at the Ad agency is still battling with her husband's brain and lung cancer so I know that her focusing on his health is more important than getting me a job, but it also leaves me to wonder where else can I use my talents to earn money??
It's confusing and confuddling. I AM an artist, but I WANT to earn money!!
At least I just need to hold on until Fall semester. I am taking 2 English classes and an Edu class to get closer to my BA in English.
Yes dear readers, you may wipe the spit off of your screen... I am going BACK to my original major!
I'm not sure what else to say here other than, I want some energy, some clean air and for my jewelry to sell!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
TimeCapsules, Mouse Poop, Ex's of All sorts... (LJ)
Well, today being the 30th I realised I HAD to clean out my storage shed or pay another $64 and to be honest? I have already kissed over 5k goodbye in the course of 6 years and that money could have been a new laptop, a server sized Mac Pro, or a diamond ring for my 30th b-day. Instead it has been whittled away on a storage locker full of chipped furniture, hand me down dishes from dead relatives, other people's beds, couches, bikes etc, and boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of paperwork.
Un-ironically, it is almost all art. The next hefty part of it is my writing and then cards, letters and legal documents ranging from old check stubs and w2's to my birth certificate and report cards k-college.
So much of it is like a punch in the face. I can actually trace everything from metal illness, breakups, beatings, molestation and illness in the lines of faltering confidence (as reported by my teachers) lowering grades, decline of friendships.
And no, a lot of it isn't my fault!
But not to dwell on only negative stuff, I found letters from my sister with intricately illustrated envelopes from the year I was away in a private college. There are cards from holidays, but my favorites are cards just because with declarations of love from my parents.
One of the sweetest, and strangest cards I have is from a girl I met while in San Diego. In the card (ostensibly presented for my 22d birthday) she thanks me for being self confident and helping her see her own self worth and God's Love. The reason that's strange to me is because that was the year I was literally falling apart at the seams due to Bi-Polar Disorder coming to full fruition in my life.
I combed back through one of the boxes of cards, yearbooks and autograph books (the ones you sign at the end of the year) and over and over again people were saying thank you! O__O Thank you? To me? I guess so! For being kind, for lending a helping hand or sympathetic ear, for just being there. And I have people stop me in stores, in restaurants, at the college I go to now and say "Jennifer?!??! Do you remember me?? I'm so and so and we went to school together!" And then to my utter surprise they say something kind about me.
Why? What do people see? I have literally had complete strangers say I have a kind, helping spirit... If this is true, am I blind? Or is there something flawed in me? I tend to see the negative. My sarcasm, my annoyance, my jerky habits. And I mean in general, you know like when you get cut off in traffic, your first instinct isn't to say "Oh, cool"
I wonder if other people are wrong or I just can't or somehow won't see my positive aspects?
Un-ironically, it is almost all art. The next hefty part of it is my writing and then cards, letters and legal documents ranging from old check stubs and w2's to my birth certificate and report cards k-college.
So much of it is like a punch in the face. I can actually trace everything from metal illness, breakups, beatings, molestation and illness in the lines of faltering confidence (as reported by my teachers) lowering grades, decline of friendships.
And no, a lot of it isn't my fault!
But not to dwell on only negative stuff, I found letters from my sister with intricately illustrated envelopes from the year I was away in a private college. There are cards from holidays, but my favorites are cards just because with declarations of love from my parents.
One of the sweetest, and strangest cards I have is from a girl I met while in San Diego. In the card (ostensibly presented for my 22d birthday) she thanks me for being self confident and helping her see her own self worth and God's Love. The reason that's strange to me is because that was the year I was literally falling apart at the seams due to Bi-Polar Disorder coming to full fruition in my life.
I combed back through one of the boxes of cards, yearbooks and autograph books (the ones you sign at the end of the year) and over and over again people were saying thank you! O__O Thank you? To me? I guess so! For being kind, for lending a helping hand or sympathetic ear, for just being there. And I have people stop me in stores, in restaurants, at the college I go to now and say "Jennifer?!??! Do you remember me?? I'm so and so and we went to school together!" And then to my utter surprise they say something kind about me.
Why? What do people see? I have literally had complete strangers say I have a kind, helping spirit... If this is true, am I blind? Or is there something flawed in me? I tend to see the negative. My sarcasm, my annoyance, my jerky habits. And I mean in general, you know like when you get cut off in traffic, your first instinct isn't to say "Oh, cool"
I wonder if other people are wrong or I just can't or somehow won't see my positive aspects?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
No Subject (LJ)
Sometimes doing what you need to and doing what you want are mutually exclusive. I have learned this during the process of quitting my job at Apple to go on and get my BA, launch my jewelry business and be able to focus on graphics. The hard part of all of this is that I will miss everybody but I also need to remember the times (and there were many) where everyone went out for drinks or played games or even took lunch at the same time and I was never invited. Instead of getting my feelings TOO hurt I wrote it off as I am older than almost all of them by at least five years.
And any time I get too weepy over leaving I have to keep in mind the things that drove me BONKERS. Leaving is the right choice and all my family and friends support me so I even have people who can drag me back to reality when I start to mope.
More on this and my trip to Anaheim later, it is 4am and I need SOME sleep!!
And any time I get too weepy over leaving I have to keep in mind the things that drove me BONKERS. Leaving is the right choice and all my family and friends support me so I even have people who can drag me back to reality when I start to mope.
More on this and my trip to Anaheim later, it is 4am and I need SOME sleep!!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Really Disappointed in myself (LJ)
YEsterday was a day off and I am really really glad.
Being bi-polar is one of those challenges I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through, let alone any friends. The worst part is, you don't ever really know yourself.
It's hard to predict when in the middle of a normal week, day, or moment, the disease will reach out and grip your sane moments and rip them away.
It's even harder to "wake up" after one of those times and wonder what sort of damamge control you need to do to make things right or normal again.
Even under medication that gives me a "normal" life most of the time, there are depressing, mind unraveling moments that shake my belief in myself.
For some reason, yesterday was one of those days that began normally and ended with me sobbing hysterically and bleeding.
To sum up. The night before I stayed up reading and realised at 5:30am on Saturday that I had better get to bed. So I took my night meds and fell asleep. I woke up around 9:30 and later took a short nap i nthe afternoon.
It was a very quiet day, my mom really needed a un-distubed work environment so I chose to polish of one book and begin on another.
I could feel the melancholy settling in on me around 6:30 and it MIGHT have had to do with the book but I HIGHLY doubt it. I think I was headed for an episode and was looking for something to pin it on.
Anyhow, I could feel myself literally plummeting mood wise. It's scary to look back and see just how fast the mood swing happened. As it did I began to criticize myself deeply for things that in many ways I have had no control over.
I went down the list of perceived "failures" I am not married, had some relationships I was abused in, work at a job I SHOULD love but don't because I have been passed over for a position I adore, my sister lives in LA (which is over 400 miles away) and I am desperately lonely. I mean DESPERATELY.
My sister and best friend were both on AIM trying to cheer me up and I was kinda doing better even though I had cried repeatedly and was ( I am NOT kidding) compared myself to book character wondering when I would get a handsome, rich fiancee who adored me and would adore me until the world ended.
Sad yes?
Gets worse.
It was around 10:30 when my dad randomly stopped by my room and unleashed a week's worth of his own frustrations ON ME without provocation.
I lost it.
First, I slammed and locked my door. Secondly, I fell into hysterics. Hysterics for me is like an ouroborus of tears and recriminations against myself. Every time I reach the tail end I start over.
Then, in the despair I felt the urge to SI.
A side note on that, unlike emo teens with bad haircuts and lemming like attitudes who feel that self injury is epic and cool and do it for attention, SI for me is very serious and an indication I have reached the end of my sanity for the day. I haven't done it in quite some time.
Much like smoking relaxes some people, SI can make me calm down and feel better. Of course afterwards I feel terrible and do as much as possible to hide it. I don't take pictures and post them on MySpace, I don't brag, and I DO wear long sleeves or try to hide where ever I hurt myself. last time it was my face and I used my nails. It looked awful and I had to lie a lot about the scratches.
Anyhow, I struggled through the urge for 15 minutes. I was sobbing and twisting my fingers together until I thought I might break them just to keep my hands busy. I barely managed to type an SOS to my best friend who then called the house and alerted my mom. By the time mom had knocked on my door I had already used my favorite butterfly ring to make deep, angry, bleeding scratches on my left arm. But I stopped and was back to crushing my own fingers when my mother knocked on my door.
She managed to coax me from my room and took another 20 mintes of me sobbing hysterically to get me calm. She also took care of my wounds.
Luckily she has gotten past the judging stage of this and is very patient with me so I did calm down faster than I would have on my own.
In the end, I feel much better today but very, deeply, extremely, disappointed that I gave in to my urges. My lungs actually still ACHE from the sobbing and I have to look an red marks on my arm for the next couple of weeks.
I wish I never had bi-polar, I wish I never had to cry, I wish I didn't ever feel depressed or unhappy or confused and I REALLY wish I was strong enough to I don't know, tape my fingers together when I feel the urge to hurt myself?
Messaging my best friend for help was a first and I'm sure it cut down on the damage but I still feel very weak and stupid for giving in at all.
Being bi-polar is one of those challenges I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through, let alone any friends. The worst part is, you don't ever really know yourself.
It's hard to predict when in the middle of a normal week, day, or moment, the disease will reach out and grip your sane moments and rip them away.
It's even harder to "wake up" after one of those times and wonder what sort of damamge control you need to do to make things right or normal again.
Even under medication that gives me a "normal" life most of the time, there are depressing, mind unraveling moments that shake my belief in myself.
For some reason, yesterday was one of those days that began normally and ended with me sobbing hysterically and bleeding.
To sum up. The night before I stayed up reading and realised at 5:30am on Saturday that I had better get to bed. So I took my night meds and fell asleep. I woke up around 9:30 and later took a short nap i nthe afternoon.
It was a very quiet day, my mom really needed a un-distubed work environment so I chose to polish of one book and begin on another.
I could feel the melancholy settling in on me around 6:30 and it MIGHT have had to do with the book but I HIGHLY doubt it. I think I was headed for an episode and was looking for something to pin it on.
Anyhow, I could feel myself literally plummeting mood wise. It's scary to look back and see just how fast the mood swing happened. As it did I began to criticize myself deeply for things that in many ways I have had no control over.
I went down the list of perceived "failures" I am not married, had some relationships I was abused in, work at a job I SHOULD love but don't because I have been passed over for a position I adore, my sister lives in LA (which is over 400 miles away) and I am desperately lonely. I mean DESPERATELY.
My sister and best friend were both on AIM trying to cheer me up and I was kinda doing better even though I had cried repeatedly and was ( I am NOT kidding) compared myself to book character wondering when I would get a handsome, rich fiancee who adored me and would adore me until the world ended.
Sad yes?
Gets worse.
It was around 10:30 when my dad randomly stopped by my room and unleashed a week's worth of his own frustrations ON ME without provocation.
I lost it.
First, I slammed and locked my door. Secondly, I fell into hysterics. Hysterics for me is like an ouroborus of tears and recriminations against myself. Every time I reach the tail end I start over.
Then, in the despair I felt the urge to SI.
A side note on that, unlike emo teens with bad haircuts and lemming like attitudes who feel that self injury is epic and cool and do it for attention, SI for me is very serious and an indication I have reached the end of my sanity for the day. I haven't done it in quite some time.
Much like smoking relaxes some people, SI can make me calm down and feel better. Of course afterwards I feel terrible and do as much as possible to hide it. I don't take pictures and post them on MySpace, I don't brag, and I DO wear long sleeves or try to hide where ever I hurt myself. last time it was my face and I used my nails. It looked awful and I had to lie a lot about the scratches.
Anyhow, I struggled through the urge for 15 minutes. I was sobbing and twisting my fingers together until I thought I might break them just to keep my hands busy. I barely managed to type an SOS to my best friend who then called the house and alerted my mom. By the time mom had knocked on my door I had already used my favorite butterfly ring to make deep, angry, bleeding scratches on my left arm. But I stopped and was back to crushing my own fingers when my mother knocked on my door.
She managed to coax me from my room and took another 20 mintes of me sobbing hysterically to get me calm. She also took care of my wounds.
Luckily she has gotten past the judging stage of this and is very patient with me so I did calm down faster than I would have on my own.
In the end, I feel much better today but very, deeply, extremely, disappointed that I gave in to my urges. My lungs actually still ACHE from the sobbing and I have to look an red marks on my arm for the next couple of weeks.
I wish I never had bi-polar, I wish I never had to cry, I wish I didn't ever feel depressed or unhappy or confused and I REALLY wish I was strong enough to I don't know, tape my fingers together when I feel the urge to hurt myself?
Messaging my best friend for help was a first and I'm sure it cut down on the damage but I still feel very weak and stupid for giving in at all.
Monday, April 21, 2008
4/20 what a waste (LJ)
I had just graduated High School and entered community college in the fall of 1998 when I discovered that life was more than high school.
In the spring I was on my second semester when 2 high school boys in Columbine Colorado shot up their school in a carefully planned attack that left many wounded and 15 dead, including themselves.
All I could think, over and over was "You should have waited, just a few more years and then you'd know, life goes past what HS has to offer!"
It still makes me sad, every year.
In the spring I was on my second semester when 2 high school boys in Columbine Colorado shot up their school in a carefully planned attack that left many wounded and 15 dead, including themselves.
All I could think, over and over was "You should have waited, just a few more years and then you'd know, life goes past what HS has to offer!"
It still makes me sad, every year.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Worst Day? Weirdest Day? Well, it Involves a Cat... (LJ)
A little backstory on this post, here from the future: I got an emergency call from a friend late at night, telling me she was dumping her VERY long term BF and needed help. I rushed over to help her, packed while she cried and ran over my best friend's cat. It was not the best night of my life. less than a year later this same friend I helped dumps me for being "shallow." Proving yet again that no good deed goes unpunished.
This journal entry actually started as a nice update about how I was getting more work, then deteriorated when I got home after moving and cat killing into the all caps recap.
----------------------------
I woke up around 8 or 9 and got straight to work on homework. (woo!) I want to be able to show my boss Julie that I can do web work for her as well and graphics.
FINISH LATER:
R CALLED, NEEDED TO MOVE OUT, MOVED HER OUT IN 3 HOURS BEFORE BF CAME HOME, BACKED OVER GOLDIE TOOK HER TO VET TO BE PUT DOWN.
CAR LOOKS LIKE FUCKING CRIME SCENE, BLOOD EVERYWHERE.
WILL UPDATE WITH DETALS LATER.
GOD I AM TIRED.
This journal entry actually started as a nice update about how I was getting more work, then deteriorated when I got home after moving and cat killing into the all caps recap.
----------------------------
I woke up around 8 or 9 and got straight to work on homework. (woo!) I want to be able to show my boss Julie that I can do web work for her as well and graphics.
FINISH LATER:
R CALLED, NEEDED TO MOVE OUT, MOVED HER OUT IN 3 HOURS BEFORE BF CAME HOME, BACKED OVER GOLDIE TOOK HER TO VET TO BE PUT DOWN.
CAR LOOKS LIKE FUCKING CRIME SCENE, BLOOD EVERYWHERE.
WILL UPDATE WITH DETALS LATER.
GOD I AM TIRED.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Mini Mega Mope (LJ)
One day I had a blistering migraine and had to call in to work. It was so bad, I probably would have crashed my car if i had attempted to drive to work.
Anyhow, where I work has a VERY strict attendance policy, which I can see as necessary considering the company and that we are the retail end of things. So, you call in, you get a point. 12 points before the year is up and you get fired.
Sooooo. I have 3 points (one of them the sick day, one because my bus broke down and one because I was late and it was my own fault)
So today I wake up at 5am, horrible migraine. I take meds, go back to bed. Get up at 7:45, take more meds, get ready for work. Get to work @10, and tell my boss I am not feeling well but will try to work the whole day. Around 1:20 I am walking crooked, the pain is worse and I am getting ill. So I ask to be let off.
Then I ask if it will be a point and get told YES!
WTF?? So, I could have STAYED HOME in bed in pain and gotten a point, but instead, came to work under the impression I WOULDN'T get docked if I came in and did what I could... AND I STILL GET A POINT.
So far that averages out to 1 point a month but God Dammit, I do not plan on getting anymore and I DO plan on contesting this one. I don't think I'm wrong to say it's unfair to punish a sick employee when they NEED to go home.
Ugh. I am off to bed in my nice, dark, cool room.
Anyhow, where I work has a VERY strict attendance policy, which I can see as necessary considering the company and that we are the retail end of things. So, you call in, you get a point. 12 points before the year is up and you get fired.
Sooooo. I have 3 points (one of them the sick day, one because my bus broke down and one because I was late and it was my own fault)
So today I wake up at 5am, horrible migraine. I take meds, go back to bed. Get up at 7:45, take more meds, get ready for work. Get to work @10, and tell my boss I am not feeling well but will try to work the whole day. Around 1:20 I am walking crooked, the pain is worse and I am getting ill. So I ask to be let off.
Then I ask if it will be a point and get told YES!
WTF?? So, I could have STAYED HOME in bed in pain and gotten a point, but instead, came to work under the impression I WOULDN'T get docked if I came in and did what I could... AND I STILL GET A POINT.
So far that averages out to 1 point a month but God Dammit, I do not plan on getting anymore and I DO plan on contesting this one. I don't think I'm wrong to say it's unfair to punish a sick employee when they NEED to go home.
Ugh. I am off to bed in my nice, dark, cool room.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Awe (LJ)
I had a super weekeend with my niece and nephew! They were here for the whole week and even though I have been in an incredible ammount of pain, I was able to enjoy almost every minute with them. They were almost perfect for a 1 1/2 yo and 3yo with Gramma and Grampa and Auntie Jen. We went on walks, and played and just did lots of fun things that didn't involve TV. Every morning when I got up my niece said "Good Morning Auntie Jen!" And we'd get to play and have fun.
When I'd leave for work she'd say "Come back soon!"
When my sister came their behaviour modified a little and it's still hard for me to deal with that. For some reason D gets really clingy and needy and will cry pretty much non stop. It's like a switch gets flipped and he's not the same happy baby. It bums me out because he goes from being content to just crying all the time.
Work is evening out. My manager said she wants to focus less on numbers but stay with the "Complete Solution" emphasizing that the CS will change for each customer so attachments don't matter as much and making sure each customer walks out of the store with what they NEED. I hope this change will trickle down to the people in my posotion and people will begin to treat us with more respect. There are still some specialists who hassle us or think out position is useless and it bugs me because it's not as easy as it sounds to stand at the door and say "Hi, how can I help you?" all day and deal with ridiculous questions and impatient people who treat you like YOU'RE the one who broke their machine.
We made candy last night and everyone got manic and punchy around 11pm because we all had sugar highs. My sister and I LOST it when mom turns to us and says "Who wants to cream?" And she meant THE FROSTING she was making but we took it south and laughed for 10 minutes straight. The pink and chocolate candies turned out looking very nice but the yellow got ruined when mum tried to smooth it out and made it grainy. Oh well. They are like fluffy smooth peanut butter nougats with chocolate coating.
S made itty bitty cupcakes and used frosting mom had made but added too much almond flavouring so they tasted good but had a bitter aftertaste. They did look adorable though.
Dinner today was turkey, braised carrots with dill, potatos au gratin, rolls, asparagus, and for dessert we had the popcorn balls I made with grandma yesterday, the blissfully bad for you sugar cookies with pink frosting and coffee.
I took a nap for my headache (didn't help) and then got up to watch my niece and nephew hunt eggs.
When they left I crammed tears back so far into my head I thought my sinuses would explode.
As for the headaches... they are keeping me from sleeping well because they have been getting MORE painful when I lay down. I work tomorrow with slightly longer hours so I hope I have a good day because I am not especially in the mood to have a bad one you know?
In fact, here's hoping I have a wonderful Spring and earn some respect from my team members!
*determined face*
I PLAN ON HAVING A GOOD SPRING! I PLAN ON *LIKING* WHAT I DO! I PLAN ON BEING *MORE* PRODUCTIVE! I PLAN ON GETTING RID OF MY HEADACHES!
SO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL!
I AM GOING TO KICK BUTT AND TAKE NAMES AND GOSH DARN IT, I AM GOING TO FREAKING *LOOOOVE* IT!!!!!!!!!
When I'd leave for work she'd say "Come back soon!"
When my sister came their behaviour modified a little and it's still hard for me to deal with that. For some reason D gets really clingy and needy and will cry pretty much non stop. It's like a switch gets flipped and he's not the same happy baby. It bums me out because he goes from being content to just crying all the time.
Work is evening out. My manager said she wants to focus less on numbers but stay with the "Complete Solution" emphasizing that the CS will change for each customer so attachments don't matter as much and making sure each customer walks out of the store with what they NEED. I hope this change will trickle down to the people in my posotion and people will begin to treat us with more respect. There are still some specialists who hassle us or think out position is useless and it bugs me because it's not as easy as it sounds to stand at the door and say "Hi, how can I help you?" all day and deal with ridiculous questions and impatient people who treat you like YOU'RE the one who broke their machine.
We made candy last night and everyone got manic and punchy around 11pm because we all had sugar highs. My sister and I LOST it when mom turns to us and says "Who wants to cream?" And she meant THE FROSTING she was making but we took it south and laughed for 10 minutes straight. The pink and chocolate candies turned out looking very nice but the yellow got ruined when mum tried to smooth it out and made it grainy. Oh well. They are like fluffy smooth peanut butter nougats with chocolate coating.
S made itty bitty cupcakes and used frosting mom had made but added too much almond flavouring so they tasted good but had a bitter aftertaste. They did look adorable though.
Dinner today was turkey, braised carrots with dill, potatos au gratin, rolls, asparagus, and for dessert we had the popcorn balls I made with grandma yesterday, the blissfully bad for you sugar cookies with pink frosting and coffee.
I took a nap for my headache (didn't help) and then got up to watch my niece and nephew hunt eggs.
When they left I crammed tears back so far into my head I thought my sinuses would explode.
As for the headaches... they are keeping me from sleeping well because they have been getting MORE painful when I lay down. I work tomorrow with slightly longer hours so I hope I have a good day because I am not especially in the mood to have a bad one you know?
In fact, here's hoping I have a wonderful Spring and earn some respect from my team members!
*determined face*
I PLAN ON HAVING A GOOD SPRING! I PLAN ON *LIKING* WHAT I DO! I PLAN ON BEING *MORE* PRODUCTIVE! I PLAN ON GETTING RID OF MY HEADACHES!
SO YOU HEAR ME WORLD? I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL!
I AM GOING TO KICK BUTT AND TAKE NAMES AND GOSH DARN IT, I AM GOING TO FREAKING *LOOOOVE* IT!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
No Subject (LJ)
I went to Target the other day to get some Ibuprofin and to see if they had the pink Bruce I have been scouting about for and found myself walking past the current "holiday" area. I've noticed for the last couple of piddly holidays that the gift/candy/snack/toy areas have gotten bigger. For V-day it was rows of Transformer and Care Bear Cards, oogy chalk candy hearts and enough chocolate to sate the hunger of a Football stadium of women with PMS.
This time it was set up for Easter. In fact, the entire store was decked with chicks and flowers and so forth. The Easter area was crammed with bags of candy, stuffed toys, baskets shaped like balls, or trains or fluffy bunny heads. Not to mention cards with sickly sweet poems, baby outfits and what ever else you could stamp a bunny or chick on.
I normally don't find myself getting philosophical in the middle of Target but as I eyed a mom dumping several bags of candy into her cart, all I could think was "Christ died for this??" Or more to the point, "This is what Christ's sacrifice has become?"
I honestly wonder at the people who are offended by others beliefs. In so much as they will pick a fight or be as inflammatory as possible in addressing their objections. Why? What's the point? I personally believe that Christ died for me. A belief that gives me hope, inspires me to help others, to live with joy and when things REALLY REALY suck, to look forward to a life beyond this one where pain is a distant memory and tears will be wiped away my God himself.
I hardly feel it is naive or selfish to want an eternity that DOESN'T hinge on endless rule following. So many people who have not read the Bible, but choose to judge people who claim to be Christians miss, is that someone who is honestly living their faith will let you in on a little secret called... GRACE.
As the Apostle Paul said. (loosely worded by me) "I am capable of doing anything, but not everything is good for me." He also said "Should I go and sin that I can exercise Grace? God forbid."
In other words: Christians who follow in the steps of Christ will acknowledge that they aren't, and cannot be perfect. But they can strive to serve Christ without going insane with endless rules.
Christ said: "These are the greatest commandments: That you love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul and that you LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR as yourself."
How hard is that??
This time it was set up for Easter. In fact, the entire store was decked with chicks and flowers and so forth. The Easter area was crammed with bags of candy, stuffed toys, baskets shaped like balls, or trains or fluffy bunny heads. Not to mention cards with sickly sweet poems, baby outfits and what ever else you could stamp a bunny or chick on.
I normally don't find myself getting philosophical in the middle of Target but as I eyed a mom dumping several bags of candy into her cart, all I could think was "Christ died for this??" Or more to the point, "This is what Christ's sacrifice has become?"
I honestly wonder at the people who are offended by others beliefs. In so much as they will pick a fight or be as inflammatory as possible in addressing their objections. Why? What's the point? I personally believe that Christ died for me. A belief that gives me hope, inspires me to help others, to live with joy and when things REALLY REALY suck, to look forward to a life beyond this one where pain is a distant memory and tears will be wiped away my God himself.
I hardly feel it is naive or selfish to want an eternity that DOESN'T hinge on endless rule following. So many people who have not read the Bible, but choose to judge people who claim to be Christians miss, is that someone who is honestly living their faith will let you in on a little secret called... GRACE.
As the Apostle Paul said. (loosely worded by me) "I am capable of doing anything, but not everything is good for me." He also said "Should I go and sin that I can exercise Grace? God forbid."
In other words: Christians who follow in the steps of Christ will acknowledge that they aren't, and cannot be perfect. But they can strive to serve Christ without going insane with endless rules.
Christ said: "These are the greatest commandments: That you love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul and that you LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR as yourself."
How hard is that??
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I don't like who I am becoming... (LJ)
The last few weeks I have been slipping into a depression and despite my best efforts, it's worsening. Basically, I feel like I am losing my happiness and self confidence. I don't want to do anything, going out exhausts me and I am so tired of my job where i have to stand in the front door and smile and say "HI!" to people all damn day.
This epic battle with D has taken so much from me it's hard to explain. He's such a snake. So many times I have tried to escape from him and he shows back up, wrapping his coils around me and squeezing the life, confidence and happiness out of me. Verbal abuse is hard to deal with, it can be so subtle, cutting you so sneakily you don't notice you are injured until you fall to pieces. It would be unfair to say I hate him but he has done nothing but robbed me of my joy and then slandered me, made me feel worthless and a little like I want to die.
I have been on the verge of tears for days, occasional thoughts of dying coming to me, making me wonder if I'd be better off dead, or if those around me would be better off if i was gone. To be honest, I am struggling to come up with reasons they WOULDN'T be better off.
On Friday I worked a 12-5 but the chaos in the store was almost more than I could handle. I physically felt myself getting ill, needing to cry and beginning to stammer nervously. Everything that went "wrong" was like another tick in the "You suck" column and I was hyperventilating, desperately cramming down the words "I quit" that hovered in my mouth like flies around a corpse.
Eventually I calmed down and had dinner with my mom and dad, mom got a strawberry Margarita for all of to share and I calmed down a little more. But even then, I went home and did nothing, and yesterday just piddled around, trying to find reasons not to cry.
Today I went to church which should have been a blessing but I screwed up and opened my big bi-polar mouth after service.
We were supposed to have an auction for Missions (We do this once a year) but the spread was pretty pathetic compared to years past. So I said something. IDIOT. I didn't NEED to, I just did. So of COURSE it dawns on me that I was impolite so I apologised but I had really pissed the woman off and she said as much, so I slank back to my table and tried not to cry. What a screw up. Eventually I called my best friend to drive me home because I couldn't bear the thought of siting thru the auction with Kathleen glaring at me.
Normally, I'd be strong enough to shrug it off and realise that yeah, I was rude but I also apologised and if she needed to stay angry that's her need, not mine. But no, I internalised it and now I am at home, alone, feeling MORE depressed and like a huge loser.
I hate this me. Go away.
This epic battle with D has taken so much from me it's hard to explain. He's such a snake. So many times I have tried to escape from him and he shows back up, wrapping his coils around me and squeezing the life, confidence and happiness out of me. Verbal abuse is hard to deal with, it can be so subtle, cutting you so sneakily you don't notice you are injured until you fall to pieces. It would be unfair to say I hate him but he has done nothing but robbed me of my joy and then slandered me, made me feel worthless and a little like I want to die.
I have been on the verge of tears for days, occasional thoughts of dying coming to me, making me wonder if I'd be better off dead, or if those around me would be better off if i was gone. To be honest, I am struggling to come up with reasons they WOULDN'T be better off.
On Friday I worked a 12-5 but the chaos in the store was almost more than I could handle. I physically felt myself getting ill, needing to cry and beginning to stammer nervously. Everything that went "wrong" was like another tick in the "You suck" column and I was hyperventilating, desperately cramming down the words "I quit" that hovered in my mouth like flies around a corpse.
Eventually I calmed down and had dinner with my mom and dad, mom got a strawberry Margarita for all of to share and I calmed down a little more. But even then, I went home and did nothing, and yesterday just piddled around, trying to find reasons not to cry.
Today I went to church which should have been a blessing but I screwed up and opened my big bi-polar mouth after service.
We were supposed to have an auction for Missions (We do this once a year) but the spread was pretty pathetic compared to years past. So I said something. IDIOT. I didn't NEED to, I just did. So of COURSE it dawns on me that I was impolite so I apologised but I had really pissed the woman off and she said as much, so I slank back to my table and tried not to cry. What a screw up. Eventually I called my best friend to drive me home because I couldn't bear the thought of siting thru the auction with Kathleen glaring at me.
Normally, I'd be strong enough to shrug it off and realise that yeah, I was rude but I also apologised and if she needed to stay angry that's her need, not mine. But no, I internalised it and now I am at home, alone, feeling MORE depressed and like a huge loser.
I hate this me. Go away.
Monday, January 28, 2008
What a Loss... (LJ)
Just got back from shopping at the bookstore. Bought a pencil, 2 pens, a click eraser, pencil box, sketchbook and 2 starbursts sticks.
I feel a little bad about spending $15 but I haven't had a BRAND new sketchbook in forever so I figured it would be worth it.
The pencil box is because I am notoriously careless with my drawing supplies and I'd like the ability to grab some pens and pencils on the fly.
I struck out food wise today too. I made a whole pot of coffee but only got about 1 cup before I left for work and didn't get breakfast.
At work I took my break and had a cup of Mt. Dew, a huge handful of sour cream and onion chips, a few nibbles of some crappy dessert bar thing and 2 chocolate/peanut butter sandwich cookies. FAIL.
I got home to mom asleep and dad not home yet so I drank another cup of coffee and has a chicken sausage, which is 5 points I think. Still a fail.
So on my way to school, (to which I am late) I snagged a breakfast muffin/crumpet/sandwich at Starbucks. MAN I love those.
I got to school, bought my art supplies and a diet coke plus which according to the hype is diet coke with freaking minerals and vitamins. WHO THE HELL CARES??
I only bought it because the rest of my food choices sucked so bad that I figured a huge ass soda would be even worse so I got the Diet Coke.
p.s. I pretty much HATE Coke. :K
I feel a little bad about spending $15 but I haven't had a BRAND new sketchbook in forever so I figured it would be worth it.
The pencil box is because I am notoriously careless with my drawing supplies and I'd like the ability to grab some pens and pencils on the fly.
I struck out food wise today too. I made a whole pot of coffee but only got about 1 cup before I left for work and didn't get breakfast.
At work I took my break and had a cup of Mt. Dew, a huge handful of sour cream and onion chips, a few nibbles of some crappy dessert bar thing and 2 chocolate/peanut butter sandwich cookies. FAIL.
I got home to mom asleep and dad not home yet so I drank another cup of coffee and has a chicken sausage, which is 5 points I think. Still a fail.
So on my way to school, (to which I am late) I snagged a breakfast muffin/crumpet/sandwich at Starbucks. MAN I love those.
I got to school, bought my art supplies and a diet coke plus which according to the hype is diet coke with freaking minerals and vitamins. WHO THE HELL CARES??
I only bought it because the rest of my food choices sucked so bad that I figured a huge ass soda would be even worse so I got the Diet Coke.
p.s. I pretty much HATE Coke. :K
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Late to Work (LJ)
I clocked in at 10:07 this morning and we have a 6 minute window.
Part of it is I procrastinate and part of it is... no, it's pretty much I procrastinate.
I made a board just for fun on Neo and it suddenly became a debate, which was NOT my intention. To make a long story short, I stayed at least 5-10 mins too long when I just should have bailed and let the chokato chips fall where they may.
As it stands, I now have to wait 3 months from this day for this "tardy" to roll off.
I consider myself a punctual person so it annoys me that I sabotaged myself today. I don't like coming in late, and I don't like feeling nervous about my job security when I know I am an asset to the store but I am risking everything by being 1-2 mins late. RAWR.
Part of it is I procrastinate and part of it is... no, it's pretty much I procrastinate.
I made a board just for fun on Neo and it suddenly became a debate, which was NOT my intention. To make a long story short, I stayed at least 5-10 mins too long when I just should have bailed and let the chokato chips fall where they may.
As it stands, I now have to wait 3 months from this day for this "tardy" to roll off.
I consider myself a punctual person so it annoys me that I sabotaged myself today. I don't like coming in late, and I don't like feeling nervous about my job security when I know I am an asset to the store but I am risking everything by being 1-2 mins late. RAWR.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Birthday (LJ)
Slept late
Missed church
Shopped at Michaels
Got some beads
Nice presents from neofriends. gallery up to 200!
Got jammies, Blouse and shirt from mom and dad, and 2 bouquets
Got a sheet of uncut $2 bills from gramma and grampa and a Silver Dollar
Got basket of bath stuff and grumpy bear from R
Got Labyrinth and Dracula from E.
meth head cousin came over
E has a hissy fit.
God his feet smell.
Library books till late
Willupdate more later
Missed church
Shopped at Michaels
Got some beads
Nice presents from neofriends. gallery up to 200!
Got jammies, Blouse and shirt from mom and dad, and 2 bouquets
Got a sheet of uncut $2 bills from gramma and grampa and a Silver Dollar
Got basket of bath stuff and grumpy bear from R
Got Labyrinth and Dracula from E.
meth head cousin came over
E has a hissy fit.
God his feet smell.
Library books till late
Willupdate more later
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