Friday, May 10, 2013
It's been a hell of a year. 2012 saw health scares from several relatives, my sister and her children moved out and in November I finally couldn't take the stress of existing and asked (you read that right) to be admitted to the local psychiatric hospital. I was concerned for my well being, stress and anxiety had built to the point where I could no longer handle the idea of living another day. My mind was on fire and burning out of control.
The week I spent at CBHC was enlightening and I have a lot more to say about it, but that trip AND the one I took this March both deserve their own posts.
Just thought I should update with a little "hi, hello, not dead" type post.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Surf City At Night (Poem)
I dance, silver white waves wetting you as I splash.
I writhe, steel sharp and cold.
Panicked dance of death I struggle
Flopping back and forth, silent
Screams forming on my ever moving lips.
I gasp, chest heaving in despair.
I love.
Air clear, sky bright as your smiles.
I commit. Damnable world, damnable
Words I coughed and sobbed;
THROW. ME. BACK.
Wrapped in paper, laid on ice
While it rains and the last things
I remember are the smell of dirt
And pine and true friendship in the
Dark.
Don't jump in the ocean unprepared
Because you cannot leave unsnared and
Now, now I know, too late, I know.
I love you all.
I writhe, steel sharp and cold.
Panicked dance of death I struggle
Flopping back and forth, silent
Screams forming on my ever moving lips.
I gasp, chest heaving in despair.
I love.
Air clear, sky bright as your smiles.
I commit. Damnable world, damnable
Words I coughed and sobbed;
THROW. ME. BACK.
Wrapped in paper, laid on ice
While it rains and the last things
I remember are the smell of dirt
And pine and true friendship in the
Dark.
Don't jump in the ocean unprepared
Because you cannot leave unsnared and
Now, now I know, too late, I know.
I love you all.
gravity (Poem)
gravity
gravity snaps my foot bones
into little pretzel sticks that
crunch when I walk
I wonder if I stand still
will I see the mice who
live in my knees skitter
down my shins to grab
the bits of bone and cram
them in their cheeks to
feed themselves, store
fat for the winter?
Or will ants come,
steal the crumbs
grains of salt and
march away in lines
while I lose my
will to live.
gravity snaps my foot bones
into little pretzel sticks that
crunch when I walk
I wonder if I stand still
will I see the mice who
live in my knees skitter
down my shins to grab
the bits of bone and cram
them in their cheeks to
feed themselves, store
fat for the winter?
Or will ants come,
steal the crumbs
grains of salt and
march away in lines
while I lose my
will to live.
Full Stop (Poem)
Full Stop
The birds fly past the window where
I sit contemplating suicide in a classroom
where the teacher never stops talking because
I think his drunken father robbed him of his
peace of mind so he goes on and on to soothe
himself, that is, when he isn't bullying students.
Even though these chirping birds could fall
flightless from a branch never having felt
sorry for themselves I wonder if they too
think of suicide and wing themselves full
strength into dirty windows only pausing
for a second, seeing their reflection warped
by speed and grime, before sighing "oh" and
slamming into glass,
full stop.
The birds fly past the window where
I sit contemplating suicide in a classroom
where the teacher never stops talking because
I think his drunken father robbed him of his
peace of mind so he goes on and on to soothe
himself, that is, when he isn't bullying students.
Even though these chirping birds could fall
flightless from a branch never having felt
sorry for themselves I wonder if they too
think of suicide and wing themselves full
strength into dirty windows only pausing
for a second, seeing their reflection warped
by speed and grime, before sighing "oh" and
slamming into glass,
full stop.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lent and other things
The first year I followed the 40 days of personal sacrifice and reflection known as Lent, I was away at a Christian college that probably would have been horrified at the very idea of one of their students following a "Catholic" tradition. For reasons even unknown to me, the idea of doing something like Lent appealed to me so deeply that I decided I would give up fried foods, dessert and soda. Which, as an on campus student, was half of the cafeteria's menu. Lost story short, I kept very rigidly to my routine and only drank diet sodas on Friday as I was under the impression that if you could eat fish on Friday, diet soda would be my fish. It made sense at the time. On Easter I celebrated my victory with a glass of Mountain Dew and for the rest of the semester was barely interested in the fried foods or desserts the cafeteria had to offer. I also had been able to break my habit of drinking Mountain Dew for every meal and had lost 20 pounds.
The next couple of years were very tumultuous for me and I can't remember observing Lent, or if I did, my resolutions were so minimal, they didn't make an impression on me. Since I was raised in a family that not only didn't observe Lent, but one that considered it to be something that smacked of legalism, the next couple of times I tried to make Lenten sacrifices, I was not supported. Eventually my family came to realise that Lent is not something I am compelled to do, but rather something I use as a way of "Spring Cleaning" my brain and habits.
This year I wanted to make sure my sacrifices were things I'd actually miss. So instead of picking a food or entertainment item to give up, I picked social networking. That's right, I logged out of Facebook last night and won't be back until after Easter. Even writing that last sentence I felt twinges of longing, which is kind of the point. You are supposed to give up something you will actually miss. I was told that the longing or urges you get are supposed to remind you why you are doing this and in my case it's to take back my time.
Ever since I graduated, and stopped working at a 9-5 job I have had terrible time management habits. A very small part of this is due to a medication I take to help me sleep, which, taken too late, can make me a worthless zombie deep into the next day. The rest of this is due to the fact I have used sleeplessness, mania and a host of other excuses keep me from making my own regimented schedule. Instead of waking up at the same time every day and working on things like art, web design, beading, helping out around the house and then spending personal time, I spend an inordinate amount of time screwing around online, then wondering where my day went and resenting any interruptions to my "routine."
So, here I go. Day 1 of 40 days. I also gave up desserts and going to bed after 12am. I had my sister change my Facebook PW and have set my alarm and thrown my sleeping pills up into this alcove I won't be able to get into without an 8 foot ladder, which I luckily do not own. Wish me luck and check back to see if I have gone insane or not!
Well, more insane than usual!
The next couple of years were very tumultuous for me and I can't remember observing Lent, or if I did, my resolutions were so minimal, they didn't make an impression on me. Since I was raised in a family that not only didn't observe Lent, but one that considered it to be something that smacked of legalism, the next couple of times I tried to make Lenten sacrifices, I was not supported. Eventually my family came to realise that Lent is not something I am compelled to do, but rather something I use as a way of "Spring Cleaning" my brain and habits.
This year I wanted to make sure my sacrifices were things I'd actually miss. So instead of picking a food or entertainment item to give up, I picked social networking. That's right, I logged out of Facebook last night and won't be back until after Easter. Even writing that last sentence I felt twinges of longing, which is kind of the point. You are supposed to give up something you will actually miss. I was told that the longing or urges you get are supposed to remind you why you are doing this and in my case it's to take back my time.
Ever since I graduated, and stopped working at a 9-5 job I have had terrible time management habits. A very small part of this is due to a medication I take to help me sleep, which, taken too late, can make me a worthless zombie deep into the next day. The rest of this is due to the fact I have used sleeplessness, mania and a host of other excuses keep me from making my own regimented schedule. Instead of waking up at the same time every day and working on things like art, web design, beading, helping out around the house and then spending personal time, I spend an inordinate amount of time screwing around online, then wondering where my day went and resenting any interruptions to my "routine."
So, here I go. Day 1 of 40 days. I also gave up desserts and going to bed after 12am. I had my sister change my Facebook PW and have set my alarm and thrown my sleeping pills up into this alcove I won't be able to get into without an 8 foot ladder, which I luckily do not own. Wish me luck and check back to see if I have gone insane or not!
Well, more insane than usual!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
No one reads this crap anyhow...
So today on "Wordless Wednesday" I am going to just blogpuke. Plus, my mind pockets needs to be gone through occasionally before running my brain through the wash.
People tend to do those survey type things and then forward them on and for some reason I always feel compelled to fill them out, even though I know nobody reads them. So today I am doing my own. Screw the list, I am just going to randomly type whatever comes into my head. Apologies in advance to Yen, by BFF, who endures me, for God only knows why.
1. If I put my iPod on random, and let it play for 3 days, you might hear nothing but classical music. I find this depressing. On the other hand, you might also hear Metallica, Josh Groban, and some freaking Canadian singing a song called "Bubblegum." I seriously need to get control of who sends me mp3's!
2. I sort of hate that my room is a literal vortex of something. Yes, that was vague, but only because it has several aspects to this vortex. 1 is that in the Winter, even with the heater on, my room is close to 15 degrees colder than the rest of the house, even my parents room which is directly across the hall from me. In the summer it can be 10-15 degrees warmer, and where we live, on a 115 degree day, that's like walking into a desert tomb. Also, my room absorbs smells like a box of baking soda. Ew.
3. I am a cartoonist, photographer, jewelry maker, wood worker, beader, baker, singer, poet, writer, editor, sculptor and weaver. Now if I just got off of my ass and DID SOME OF THAT!
4. There is an unfinished tapestry in my closet, I am only bothered by this because I want to finish it but don't really want to go back to the crafting class I took where I started it. I think the teacher thinks I am a flake.
5. The last save date on any of my PS2 games is 2006. I made sure not to tell this to the person who bought me my Wii. Then again, I can pay the Wii and lose weight, so I am not sure one has anything to do with the other.
6. Even though I want to save myself for marriage, and I intend to, if Jim Byrnes asked me to spend a night with him I would. And then I would text everyone I knew, regardless of the time of day or night. And yes, he is at least 30 years older than I am.
7. I think my room is going to be Steampunk/Post-Industriul Asian/Fusion. Go ahead and try to figure that out... What was that? Oh right, you can't. Don't worry, I'll post pics.
8. I really like sweet and sour stuff. Sour Starburst? Sour Starburst Jelly beans? Warhead Jellybeans? Oh yeah... in fact, if anyone got a hold of a big box of Warhead jellybeans and sent them to me, I'd be their slave.
9. I really like pointy crayons, and colour coding them, and my beads and pens and pretty much anything else that comes in more shades than 1.
10. The song with the most plays on my computer is "Writer's Block" from the 'Stranger than Fiction' soundtrack with 315 plays. #2 is also a soundtrack song with 220 plays. Much to my shame, "The Candy Cave" from Charlie the Unicorn 1 has 204 plays. Don't ask, I think I was high on Skittles.
Since this was a WORDLESS Wednesday and I crapped that all up, I am opening this bog entry up to questions. Ask anything you want!
People tend to do those survey type things and then forward them on and for some reason I always feel compelled to fill them out, even though I know nobody reads them. So today I am doing my own. Screw the list, I am just going to randomly type whatever comes into my head. Apologies in advance to Yen, by BFF, who endures me, for God only knows why.
1. If I put my iPod on random, and let it play for 3 days, you might hear nothing but classical music. I find this depressing. On the other hand, you might also hear Metallica, Josh Groban, and some freaking Canadian singing a song called "Bubblegum." I seriously need to get control of who sends me mp3's!
2. I sort of hate that my room is a literal vortex of something. Yes, that was vague, but only because it has several aspects to this vortex. 1 is that in the Winter, even with the heater on, my room is close to 15 degrees colder than the rest of the house, even my parents room which is directly across the hall from me. In the summer it can be 10-15 degrees warmer, and where we live, on a 115 degree day, that's like walking into a desert tomb. Also, my room absorbs smells like a box of baking soda. Ew.
3. I am a cartoonist, photographer, jewelry maker, wood worker, beader, baker, singer, poet, writer, editor, sculptor and weaver. Now if I just got off of my ass and DID SOME OF THAT!
4. There is an unfinished tapestry in my closet, I am only bothered by this because I want to finish it but don't really want to go back to the crafting class I took where I started it. I think the teacher thinks I am a flake.
5. The last save date on any of my PS2 games is 2006. I made sure not to tell this to the person who bought me my Wii. Then again, I can pay the Wii and lose weight, so I am not sure one has anything to do with the other.
6. Even though I want to save myself for marriage, and I intend to, if Jim Byrnes asked me to spend a night with him I would. And then I would text everyone I knew, regardless of the time of day or night. And yes, he is at least 30 years older than I am.
7. I think my room is going to be Steampunk/Post-Industriul Asian/Fusion. Go ahead and try to figure that out... What was that? Oh right, you can't. Don't worry, I'll post pics.
8. I really like sweet and sour stuff. Sour Starburst? Sour Starburst Jelly beans? Warhead Jellybeans? Oh yeah... in fact, if anyone got a hold of a big box of Warhead jellybeans and sent them to me, I'd be their slave.
9. I really like pointy crayons, and colour coding them, and my beads and pens and pretty much anything else that comes in more shades than 1.
10. The song with the most plays on my computer is "Writer's Block" from the 'Stranger than Fiction' soundtrack with 315 plays. #2 is also a soundtrack song with 220 plays. Much to my shame, "The Candy Cave" from Charlie the Unicorn 1 has 204 plays. Don't ask, I think I was high on Skittles.
Since this was a WORDLESS Wednesday and I crapped that all up, I am opening this bog entry up to questions. Ask anything you want!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Teardrop on the Fire (LJ)
It was February of 2009 and the year had started off better than 2008. Or at least, that how things seemed. Then my paternal grandfather got sick. And it wasn't just one of those colds or flus that give you a little scare and then let you zip on your way. This was a bleeding internally, rally the troops and prepare for possible death. My dad is the oldest son, and most responsible. My Uncle P is the second oldest and is an unhappy, single homosexual man, at odds with his church, his faith and his parents. In other words, zero help in a crisis. My second Uncle, T, has ADD and severe depression and is fiscally and emotionally a disaster area. Also, zero help.
This meant my dad shouldered the strain of calming his mom down, going to visit his dad (who lives 2 1/2 hours away) reading legal documents and thinking about his own father's death. WHO WANTS TO DO THAT!?!? Grandpa was in the hospital until nearly the end of March, at which time he ended up in a step down recovery hospital to recover from Pneumonia and massive blood loss. But do you know what nearly two months of near constant emotional strain does to a family?
I won't beat anyone over the head with the obvious, but my mom, who has Multiple Sclerosis, went into a deep depression that she has yet to recover from. During this time, my dad, who also teaches High School and is a respiratory therapist, decides he wants to run a fireworks stand as a fundraiser for the Astronomy club. So from April until mid may he was filing paperwork, meeting with fireworks reps, the city fire dept and filing legal docs etc.
Our house had sort of settled into a semi-permanent state of dis-array. I do what I can, but I am only one person. And often, right after I get one room completely clean, some disaster, or emergency guarantees that all of my hard work gets crapped up as fast as possible.
My mom's office, which we had painted and designed to be accessible and beautiful, becomes the family dumping ground for paperwork and last minute crap no one knows where to put, if we have to scramble to clean if guests come over.
Unless I clean the kitchen, and I mean, I do everything, it never gets looked at, let alone tidied. This gets on my nerves but I don't gripe because it's pretty much the least I can do, since I live with my parents, rent free.
The main reason I haven't written since Feb is that all of this NEEDS to be put down, but it's so draining to think about.
Anyhow, end of May thru July 4 are the shittiest months I can think about. We pretty much eat saltines and don't see the inside of the house unless we are picking something up. We got approved for the fireworks booth and run errands like crazy getting ready, calling volunteers and going mildly insane.
The booth is a huge success, and even though we were in the middle of the damn ghetto (and by ghetto I mean every negative connotation or stereotype you can imagine was there.) we ended up earning the most of any booth in our town. But we also suffered heat stroke, a few minor threats to our safety, 113-116+ days (hotter IN the booth) and I had an anaphylactic reaction to a spider bite and nearly died which left me weak and grumpy for most of the week I helped out.
Whee?
What made it WORSE is on July 4 (you'd think this is not possible but hey) Almost ALL of our volunteers bailed on us because I mean DUH, who wants to be crammed in a small, hot, wooden crate, with a bunch of sweaty people selling explosives, when you could be swimming or fishing or lighting shit on fire?
Anyhow, we closed at 10pm (which is the cities legal cut off time) and by then most of the big fireworks shows we wanted to see were over, and we were still in the &#$*%ing stand. I kid you not, we had tens of thousands of dollars in that booth with us. I have never seen or handled more $100 bills in my life. People who had half naked kids or who hadn't eaten in a week would still drop money on stuff to blow up. O.o
We made the last sale at like 10:35 (we promised people who were in line at 10 that we wouldn't turn them away) and started cleaning up and that's when we got angry, armed thugs threatening to shoot stuff because we wouldn't sell them fireworks. We still didn't sell them anything.
We did not leave the booth until after midnight, missed all the fireworks, had a huge fight with my dad and sang show tunes loud enough to wake the dead.
We drove to the TNT warehouse and dropped off the leftovers and went home. I was grumpy, starving and tired but we lit off the $30 of fireworks I had purchased to support the Astronomy Club. Even though I had purchased some really pretty ones I was too hot and tired to enjoy them. At least mom and my best friend L thought they were pretty. News Flash. If TNT sells fireworks in your area of America, buy the Pink Diamonds, Purple Rain and Tequila Sunrise. They are very pretty, I just remember being completely unenthused.
The rest of July was clean up and recovery of the fireworks selling and then I went to Comic Con.
COMIC CON WAS SO FUCKING UN EPIC AND TRAGIC AND AWFUL AND HORRIFYING AND DISAPPOINTING THAT IT WILL BE GETTING IT'S OWN ENTRY!!!
Yeah so, August I can't remember except my babies came to visit auuuuuuuuuntie and I got to spend a week with my niece and nephew Olivia and Danny :D *squee*
Sept has been bad too. It was supposed to be our "Butts in gear, recovery month" and then a close relative fell ill and we are helping him because his son lives in Oregon and suffers from very bad pain. He did come down to help with some paperwork and visit his father but had to go back after a few days. So we are going to clean out the Apt, help get my Uncle in hospice, and sell off his belongings. *sigh*
I am not really asking for anything special I don't think? I'd just like things to calm down in a fairly normal way. I'd like mom to come out of her depression, I'd like for dad to not have to work so hard and feel like he's getting nowhere, I'd like for family drama to ease up a bit, and tbh, I'd like to feel like I can take a deep breath without choking on something.
I hope this wasn't too whiny. I want to get back to regular updates so I don't have to bore anyone to tears with these long ones.
I applied for SSDI and was denied once, appealed once, have yet to hear back about that. Am still planning on going to NY in November and am truly excited about that trip! :D Overall, I feel like I just want life to kind of even out in a good way and that all of the things that have been making my family function in crisis mode calm down.
That's all for now.
This meant my dad shouldered the strain of calming his mom down, going to visit his dad (who lives 2 1/2 hours away) reading legal documents and thinking about his own father's death. WHO WANTS TO DO THAT!?!? Grandpa was in the hospital until nearly the end of March, at which time he ended up in a step down recovery hospital to recover from Pneumonia and massive blood loss. But do you know what nearly two months of near constant emotional strain does to a family?
I won't beat anyone over the head with the obvious, but my mom, who has Multiple Sclerosis, went into a deep depression that she has yet to recover from. During this time, my dad, who also teaches High School and is a respiratory therapist, decides he wants to run a fireworks stand as a fundraiser for the Astronomy club. So from April until mid may he was filing paperwork, meeting with fireworks reps, the city fire dept and filing legal docs etc.
Our house had sort of settled into a semi-permanent state of dis-array. I do what I can, but I am only one person. And often, right after I get one room completely clean, some disaster, or emergency guarantees that all of my hard work gets crapped up as fast as possible.
My mom's office, which we had painted and designed to be accessible and beautiful, becomes the family dumping ground for paperwork and last minute crap no one knows where to put, if we have to scramble to clean if guests come over.
Unless I clean the kitchen, and I mean, I do everything, it never gets looked at, let alone tidied. This gets on my nerves but I don't gripe because it's pretty much the least I can do, since I live with my parents, rent free.
The main reason I haven't written since Feb is that all of this NEEDS to be put down, but it's so draining to think about.
Anyhow, end of May thru July 4 are the shittiest months I can think about. We pretty much eat saltines and don't see the inside of the house unless we are picking something up. We got approved for the fireworks booth and run errands like crazy getting ready, calling volunteers and going mildly insane.
The booth is a huge success, and even though we were in the middle of the damn ghetto (and by ghetto I mean every negative connotation or stereotype you can imagine was there.) we ended up earning the most of any booth in our town. But we also suffered heat stroke, a few minor threats to our safety, 113-116+ days (hotter IN the booth) and I had an anaphylactic reaction to a spider bite and nearly died which left me weak and grumpy for most of the week I helped out.
Whee?
What made it WORSE is on July 4 (you'd think this is not possible but hey) Almost ALL of our volunteers bailed on us because I mean DUH, who wants to be crammed in a small, hot, wooden crate, with a bunch of sweaty people selling explosives, when you could be swimming or fishing or lighting shit on fire?
Anyhow, we closed at 10pm (which is the cities legal cut off time) and by then most of the big fireworks shows we wanted to see were over, and we were still in the &#$*%ing stand. I kid you not, we had tens of thousands of dollars in that booth with us. I have never seen or handled more $100 bills in my life. People who had half naked kids or who hadn't eaten in a week would still drop money on stuff to blow up. O.o
We made the last sale at like 10:35 (we promised people who were in line at 10 that we wouldn't turn them away) and started cleaning up and that's when we got angry, armed thugs threatening to shoot stuff because we wouldn't sell them fireworks. We still didn't sell them anything.
We did not leave the booth until after midnight, missed all the fireworks, had a huge fight with my dad and sang show tunes loud enough to wake the dead.
We drove to the TNT warehouse and dropped off the leftovers and went home. I was grumpy, starving and tired but we lit off the $30 of fireworks I had purchased to support the Astronomy Club. Even though I had purchased some really pretty ones I was too hot and tired to enjoy them. At least mom and my best friend L thought they were pretty. News Flash. If TNT sells fireworks in your area of America, buy the Pink Diamonds, Purple Rain and Tequila Sunrise. They are very pretty, I just remember being completely unenthused.
The rest of July was clean up and recovery of the fireworks selling and then I went to Comic Con.
COMIC CON WAS SO FUCKING UN EPIC AND TRAGIC AND AWFUL AND HORRIFYING AND DISAPPOINTING THAT IT WILL BE GETTING IT'S OWN ENTRY!!!
Yeah so, August I can't remember except my babies came to visit auuuuuuuuuntie and I got to spend a week with my niece and nephew Olivia and Danny :D *squee*
Sept has been bad too. It was supposed to be our "Butts in gear, recovery month" and then a close relative fell ill and we are helping him because his son lives in Oregon and suffers from very bad pain. He did come down to help with some paperwork and visit his father but had to go back after a few days. So we are going to clean out the Apt, help get my Uncle in hospice, and sell off his belongings. *sigh*
I am not really asking for anything special I don't think? I'd just like things to calm down in a fairly normal way. I'd like mom to come out of her depression, I'd like for dad to not have to work so hard and feel like he's getting nowhere, I'd like for family drama to ease up a bit, and tbh, I'd like to feel like I can take a deep breath without choking on something.
I hope this wasn't too whiny. I want to get back to regular updates so I don't have to bore anyone to tears with these long ones.
I applied for SSDI and was denied once, appealed once, have yet to hear back about that. Am still planning on going to NY in November and am truly excited about that trip! :D Overall, I feel like I just want life to kind of even out in a good way and that all of the things that have been making my family function in crisis mode calm down.
That's all for now.
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