Teardrop on the Fire (LJ)

It was February of 2009 and the year had started off better than 2008. Or at least, that how things seemed. Then my paternal grandfather got sick. And it wasn't just one of those colds or flus that give you a little scare and then let you zip on your way. This was a bleeding internally, rally the troops and prepare for possible death. My dad is the oldest son, and most responsible. My Uncle P is the second oldest and is an unhappy, single homosexual man, at odds with his church, his faith and his parents. In other words, zero help in a crisis. My second Uncle, T, has ADD and severe depression and is fiscally and emotionally a disaster area. Also, zero help.

This meant my dad shouldered the strain of calming his mom down, going to visit his dad (who lives 2 1/2 hours away) reading legal documents and thinking about his own father's death. WHO WANTS TO DO THAT!?!? Grandpa was in the hospital until nearly the end of March, at which time he ended up in a step down recovery hospital to recover from Pneumonia and massive blood loss. But do you know what nearly two months of near constant emotional strain does to a family?

I won't beat anyone over the head with the obvious, but my mom, who has Multiple Sclerosis, went into a deep depression that she has yet to recover from. During this time, my dad, who also teaches High School and is a respiratory therapist, decides he wants to run a fireworks stand as a fundraiser for the Astronomy club. So from April until mid may he was filing paperwork, meeting with fireworks reps, the city fire dept and filing legal docs etc.

Our house had sort of settled into a semi-permanent state of dis-array. I do what I can, but I am only one person. And often, right after I get one room completely clean, some disaster, or emergency guarantees that all of my hard work gets crapped up as fast as possible.

My mom's office, which we had painted and designed to be accessible and beautiful, becomes the family dumping ground for paperwork and last minute crap no one knows where to put, if we have to scramble to clean if guests come over.

Unless I clean the kitchen, and I mean, I do everything, it never gets looked at, let alone tidied. This gets on my nerves but I don't gripe because it's pretty much the least I can do, since I live with my parents, rent free.

The main reason I haven't written since Feb is that all of this NEEDS to be put down, but it's so draining to think about.

Anyhow, end of May thru July 4 are the shittiest months I can think about. We pretty much eat saltines and don't see the inside of the house unless we are picking something up. We got approved for the fireworks booth and run errands like crazy getting ready, calling volunteers and going mildly insane.

The booth is a huge success, and even though we were in the middle of the damn ghetto (and by ghetto I mean every negative connotation or stereotype you can imagine was there.) we ended up earning the most of any booth in our town. But we also suffered heat stroke, a few minor threats to our safety, 113-116+ days (hotter IN the booth) and I had an anaphylactic reaction to a spider bite and nearly died which left me weak and grumpy for most of the week I helped out.

Whee?

What made it WORSE is on July 4 (you'd think this is not possible but hey) Almost ALL of our volunteers bailed on us because I mean DUH, who wants to be crammed in a small, hot, wooden crate, with a bunch of sweaty people selling explosives, when you could be swimming or fishing or lighting shit on fire?

Anyhow, we closed at 10pm (which is the cities legal cut off time) and by then most of the big fireworks shows we wanted to see were over, and we were still in the &#$*%ing stand. I kid you not, we had tens of thousands of dollars in that booth with us. I have never seen or handled more $100 bills in my life. People who had half naked kids or who hadn't eaten in a week would still drop money on stuff to blow up. O.o

We made the last sale at like 10:35 (we promised people who were in line at 10 that we wouldn't turn them away) and started cleaning up and that's when we got angry, armed thugs threatening to shoot stuff because we wouldn't sell them fireworks. We still didn't sell them anything.

We did not leave the booth until after midnight, missed all the fireworks, had a huge fight with my dad and sang show tunes loud enough to wake the dead.

We drove to the TNT warehouse and dropped off the leftovers and went home. I was grumpy, starving and tired but we lit off the $30 of fireworks I had purchased to support the Astronomy Club. Even though I had purchased some really pretty ones I was too hot and tired to enjoy them. At least mom and my best friend L thought they were pretty. News Flash. If TNT sells fireworks in your area of America, buy the Pink Diamonds, Purple Rain and Tequila Sunrise. They are very pretty, I just remember being completely unenthused.

The rest of July was clean up and recovery of the fireworks selling and then I went to Comic Con.

COMIC CON WAS SO FUCKING UN EPIC AND TRAGIC AND AWFUL AND HORRIFYING AND DISAPPOINTING THAT IT WILL BE GETTING IT'S OWN ENTRY!!!

Yeah so, August I can't remember except my babies came to visit auuuuuuuuuntie and I got to spend a week with my niece and nephew Olivia and Danny :D *squee*

Sept has been bad too. It was supposed to be our "Butts in gear, recovery month" and then a close relative fell ill and we are helping him because his son lives in Oregon and suffers from very bad pain. He did come down to help with some paperwork and visit his father but had to go back after a few days. So we are going to clean out the Apt, help get my Uncle in hospice, and sell off his belongings. *sigh*

I am not really asking for anything special I don't think? I'd just like things to calm down in a fairly normal way. I'd like mom to come out of her depression, I'd like for dad to not have to work so hard and feel like he's getting nowhere, I'd like for family drama to ease up a bit, and tbh, I'd like to feel like I can take a deep breath without choking on something.

I hope this wasn't too whiny. I want to get back to regular updates so I don't have to bore anyone to tears with these long ones.

I applied for SSDI and was denied once, appealed once, have yet to hear back about that. Am still planning on going to NY in November and am truly excited about that trip! :D Overall, I feel like I just want life to kind of even out in a good way and that all of the things that have been making my family function in crisis mode calm down.

That's all for now.

The Day That Never Comes (LJ)

So, I applied for State Disability back in Sept or Oct and I have been approved. On the one hand I feel an overwhelming sense of relief as I live with my parents and even though $440 a month isn't a lot, it's enough for me to pay for gas and necessities and contribute to the household more often. That means I can help get groceries and cat food (I do have my kitty Nacho to feed)

My first check is backdated so it's larger than I expected. I plan on finally discharging my debt to the IRS with it and maybe buying one nice pair of walking/running shoes so my mom and I can exercise by taking walks around the neighborhood. With this winter being so balmy, it'd be great if I could get in the habit of a daily walk before the hot weather hits.

Anyhow, the other hand (the first being relief) is a quivering disappointment. Damn you know? I didn't want to be bi-polar. I didn't plan on having social anxiety disorder. Or any of the other alphabet soup things that are wrong with my brain. I have an extremely high IQ, why can't I THINK myself better? I've taken vitamins, I've followed various diets, prayed and meditated, excised, pep talked, danced, screamed and bargained... And I am still "sick." ARG!


last semester I SQUEAKED through my classes and I guess it's because I actually do pay attention and make an effort IN class that my teachers forgave my tardiness and missed days. I got 3 B's but I know they could have been A's. Again with the scales. One the one side we have a bi-polar woman who quit her job in June because she was reaching the "saturation" point of being around humanity, someone who was burned out on people and society, taking not 1 but 3 transfer credit classes that were loaded with readings, class projects and essays and who managed to get to class, work with others and get 3 B's (above average) ON THE OTHER SIDE All I can ask is WHY NOT A's?? What did I do wrong?

I keep pushing myself, being unforgiving when I can't do it. After I quit my job at the hospital in '05 I didn't get another until Oct '07 so pretty much 2 years of recovery from humans. In fact, I had actually gotten to the point of not hating/being nervous around people that in late July of '07 as a graduation present I went to Comic-Con International in San Diego California for all 4 days! I had a blast. BUT I also noticed that I still kept to myself and mostly took classes which are all held upstairs (which is not crowded at all) in small groups of under 45 people who were all spread out so I wasn't sitting too near people and the one day I *DID* go down to the Convention center floor was the last day, Sunday, and I had to take a Xanax because it was so crowded and I began to panic. But I also took the trolley so yay me. Either way, I mistakenly assumed that this meant I was all clear to re-enter the work force and applied for a job at Apple in Sept.

I was wrong. By the time I quit in June I was suicidal on a regular basis and I was only keeping it together at work because I am a terrific actress. But at home I'd just fall to pieces and talk about dying. I was getting migraines every day, I had stopped eating and was losing weight (the BAD way) All I drank were Mt Dews to keep me awake at work and my food had come own to eating a few prunes and a half cup of oatmeal if I could take it. When I filed my 2 weeks I cried in relief. I told my bosses I was quitting so I could focus on school and web design and I don't really care if they believed me because it was partially right and my mental health is legally none of their concern.

When I go shopping I HAVE to have someone with me, if I can't beg or bribe someone to come along I will call someone so I can disconnect from the reality of where I am. When I go out (if I go out) I am with family or beloved friends who know me. In fact, I finally fessed up to my friends that I have known for over a decade that when I bail on a dinner date or a movie or coffee or anything it's because my body, or mind or both have ganged up on me and won't let me go out. Usually it's just a migraine but sometimes I have to come up with a fib like "Um, my cat needs a bath" (lol) No, nothing that lame but now they know I am not a total flake. In fact, the friend who thought I was the world's worst flake looked like he was going to cry when I told him the truth. "Oh Jennifer" he said as he hugged me, "I wish I had known this earlier, this explains so much!" And I told him the truth. I had no idea what to say.

Anyhow, I still feel like a huge lame dork with no life. Yes, I realise that those are valid feelings but not the truth but *sigh* Sometimes it's no fun to face the truth.

I WANT to be a super motivated, pretty, slim, go-getter with a peppy attitude and entrepreneur's spirit.

I AM a super talented, bi-polar artist with entrepreneur's ideas and major depression.

I am also going to stop typing for now. If you wonder why I don't write in my journal all the time it's because it takes energy. Neopets is easy, Subeta is easy, making a pot of coffee is medium, unloading the dishwasher is a chore, hand washing dishes is hard, taking a shower every time I need one is hard, washing my car is impossible, finishing everything i have going is impossible, filing paper work is difficult, (as far as energy levels and panic goes. )

It's really frustrating to want to take over the world (or at least your part of it) and you barely have what it takes to get up in the morning.

Whee! (LJ)

(yeah, I gaffled this from my own post on Neo, it's 3:30!!)


My B-day was like freakishly awesome and amazing and great and super and cool and neato and spectacular and and and *deep breaths*

3 adults, one 4 year old, 10 hours and OMG it was like the best day ever. Even with tired feet at the end of the day it was so exhilarating! I rode Space Mt and Astro Blasters and the Teacups and Mr Toads Wild Ride and Pirates of the Caribbean and Thunder Mt and the Matterhorn and the Nemo Submarine ride and I and probably forgetting things but OMG amazement! I only bought 1 real souvenir and proof I am older, it is a picture frame to put the picture of the 4 of us in! :D

MORE LATER WITH PICS!

Mid January Update (LJ)

Well, I am excruciatingly pleased to announce that I only gained 3.5 pounds over the ENTIRE holiday season. That is Thanksgiving until now. So that puts my weight at _32.2 The reason I am not posting the first number is that most people don't believe me anyhow and tbh, even though most of my journal entries are friends only I am not keen on that number growing legs and wandering off. Anyhow, Before the holidays I think I was down to _28.6 so I gained around 3.5 pounds. But still, a victory! Those pounds will be taken off before the end of Jan I hope and then I plan on seeing the numbers keep coming down.

One of my MAIN goals is to exercise more and I haven't met it yet but I have some ideas that involve walks in the neighborhood and doing yardwork. Things I enjoy that I can incorporate into my every day routine.

Now that Jan is here I need to file some important paperwork and focus on a payment plan with the IRS and Sallie Mae. Sallie Mae actually needs to hear from me ASAP as I think they have been overcharging me for several years.

I know it was short but there is my update. I am happy that I kept the weight gain down and am happy that I have a plan to keep losing. :)

New Year's Resolutions (LJ)

1. File ALL back taxes
2. File Sallie Mae deferment.
3. Publish 1 cartoon a week
4. Apply for SSDI again or appeal
5. Stop swearing
6. Lose 50 lbs
7. Deal with clutter and gain organisation.
8. Write a Novella
9. Submit chapbook of poetry to publishers.
10. Live, Love, Don't Panic, Smile more, pray more, enjoy people, be less critical/judgmental, forgive people, forgive myself.
11. Learn to play the guitar