The Day That Never Comes (LJ)

So, I applied for State Disability back in Sept or Oct and I have been approved. On the one hand I feel an overwhelming sense of relief as I live with my parents and even though $440 a month isn't a lot, it's enough for me to pay for gas and necessities and contribute to the household more often. That means I can help get groceries and cat food (I do have my kitty Nacho to feed)

My first check is backdated so it's larger than I expected. I plan on finally discharging my debt to the IRS with it and maybe buying one nice pair of walking/running shoes so my mom and I can exercise by taking walks around the neighborhood. With this winter being so balmy, it'd be great if I could get in the habit of a daily walk before the hot weather hits.

Anyhow, the other hand (the first being relief) is a quivering disappointment. Damn you know? I didn't want to be bi-polar. I didn't plan on having social anxiety disorder. Or any of the other alphabet soup things that are wrong with my brain. I have an extremely high IQ, why can't I THINK myself better? I've taken vitamins, I've followed various diets, prayed and meditated, excised, pep talked, danced, screamed and bargained... And I am still "sick." ARG!


last semester I SQUEAKED through my classes and I guess it's because I actually do pay attention and make an effort IN class that my teachers forgave my tardiness and missed days. I got 3 B's but I know they could have been A's. Again with the scales. One the one side we have a bi-polar woman who quit her job in June because she was reaching the "saturation" point of being around humanity, someone who was burned out on people and society, taking not 1 but 3 transfer credit classes that were loaded with readings, class projects and essays and who managed to get to class, work with others and get 3 B's (above average) ON THE OTHER SIDE All I can ask is WHY NOT A's?? What did I do wrong?

I keep pushing myself, being unforgiving when I can't do it. After I quit my job at the hospital in '05 I didn't get another until Oct '07 so pretty much 2 years of recovery from humans. In fact, I had actually gotten to the point of not hating/being nervous around people that in late July of '07 as a graduation present I went to Comic-Con International in San Diego California for all 4 days! I had a blast. BUT I also noticed that I still kept to myself and mostly took classes which are all held upstairs (which is not crowded at all) in small groups of under 45 people who were all spread out so I wasn't sitting too near people and the one day I *DID* go down to the Convention center floor was the last day, Sunday, and I had to take a Xanax because it was so crowded and I began to panic. But I also took the trolley so yay me. Either way, I mistakenly assumed that this meant I was all clear to re-enter the work force and applied for a job at Apple in Sept.

I was wrong. By the time I quit in June I was suicidal on a regular basis and I was only keeping it together at work because I am a terrific actress. But at home I'd just fall to pieces and talk about dying. I was getting migraines every day, I had stopped eating and was losing weight (the BAD way) All I drank were Mt Dews to keep me awake at work and my food had come own to eating a few prunes and a half cup of oatmeal if I could take it. When I filed my 2 weeks I cried in relief. I told my bosses I was quitting so I could focus on school and web design and I don't really care if they believed me because it was partially right and my mental health is legally none of their concern.

When I go shopping I HAVE to have someone with me, if I can't beg or bribe someone to come along I will call someone so I can disconnect from the reality of where I am. When I go out (if I go out) I am with family or beloved friends who know me. In fact, I finally fessed up to my friends that I have known for over a decade that when I bail on a dinner date or a movie or coffee or anything it's because my body, or mind or both have ganged up on me and won't let me go out. Usually it's just a migraine but sometimes I have to come up with a fib like "Um, my cat needs a bath" (lol) No, nothing that lame but now they know I am not a total flake. In fact, the friend who thought I was the world's worst flake looked like he was going to cry when I told him the truth. "Oh Jennifer" he said as he hugged me, "I wish I had known this earlier, this explains so much!" And I told him the truth. I had no idea what to say.

Anyhow, I still feel like a huge lame dork with no life. Yes, I realise that those are valid feelings but not the truth but *sigh* Sometimes it's no fun to face the truth.

I WANT to be a super motivated, pretty, slim, go-getter with a peppy attitude and entrepreneur's spirit.

I AM a super talented, bi-polar artist with entrepreneur's ideas and major depression.

I am also going to stop typing for now. If you wonder why I don't write in my journal all the time it's because it takes energy. Neopets is easy, Subeta is easy, making a pot of coffee is medium, unloading the dishwasher is a chore, hand washing dishes is hard, taking a shower every time I need one is hard, washing my car is impossible, finishing everything i have going is impossible, filing paper work is difficult, (as far as energy levels and panic goes. )

It's really frustrating to want to take over the world (or at least your part of it) and you barely have what it takes to get up in the morning.