2007 was a banner year in many ways.
I graduated from College with my AA after attending off and on for close to 10 years. But this included 2-3 years I spent not taking any classes, lots of part time jobs, 1 disastrous year at a private college, diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder and at least year of hard core agoraphobia.
My point? I graduated!
I also got a job with an ad agency. I have only done 3 jobs so far but i hope to get a lot more this upcoming year.
I was also hired by Apple and am happily working as a Concierge. I plan on training myself to become a Creative this next year. :)
The bad things involve my grandma breaking her neck, my sister having a drama llama visit during this time, me cutting my own hair, having a weird, slightly emolicious Christmas, my adoptable not going off as I had hoped, getting frozen on Subeta, TWICE, my continuing conflicted feelings towards a man who hurt me so badly I must be retarded to have any good feelings towards him and my dad's classroom burning down. Not at all in that order.
But you know what? I was so blessed by the prayers of people I have never met who uplifted my grandma to God. I am blessed to have a sister I ADORE and who can move past the weird things that happened during the summer, I am blessed to have a niece and nephew who love me and who are so freaking adorable I can't stand it!!
As for presents. Mreh. My birthday is still coming up :D As for Emolicious Christmas, some of it was my fault. As for the man I don't know to love or leave? That'll take some time and prayer and thought and stuff. My gramma has her health, my grandpa will hopefully get help for his BP, and the rest of 2007??
HASTA LA BYE BYE!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wishes and Hopes for 2008
1. To grow closer to God and allow him to shine in my life.
2. To be a better person in general, to give up hate, vitriol and unkindness.
3. To work hard and stay focused on my art, all of it.
4. To get the NT avatar. Or else. :P
5. To train myself to be a Creative and get promoted.
6. To make a 10 minute Flash cartoon.
7. To not make unrealistic plans regarding D.
8. To seriously plan on moving out on my own. And for the right reasons.
9. Enter the Fair with all new work.
10. Complete one painting.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Update: (LJ)
I was hired by J A with [REDACTED] to do print ready art. I was also hired by Apple as a Mac Specialist.
Just to let everyone know, due to requests, there will be a lot of things I can't talk about involving my job at Apple. :) I can let you know that training was fun though. :)
Speaking of fun, I need to get my room organised. It's not a wretched disaster like it has been in the past, but without a filing system I have been floundering about with papers, receipts, drawings, etc etc all over the place. My cat thinks it's a holiday and will build piles to nap on.
My sister is coming to visit for Thanksgiving but holidays are stressful just because they are holidays. I'd love to just see her without the pretext of HAVING to have fun. Ugh.
I also want to visit Kal in SD but I'll have to plan far in advance and I'm guessing a trip before the holidays are over is out of the question... I mean, I work at the MALL...
I've hand coloured some pics lately with markers and I am liking the results. I'd like to find a book or tutorial cause I want to improve my style.
Ok. I am off to go watch CSI
Just to let everyone know, due to requests, there will be a lot of things I can't talk about involving my job at Apple. :) I can let you know that training was fun though. :)
Speaking of fun, I need to get my room organised. It's not a wretched disaster like it has been in the past, but without a filing system I have been floundering about with papers, receipts, drawings, etc etc all over the place. My cat thinks it's a holiday and will build piles to nap on.
My sister is coming to visit for Thanksgiving but holidays are stressful just because they are holidays. I'd love to just see her without the pretext of HAVING to have fun. Ugh.
I also want to visit Kal in SD but I'll have to plan far in advance and I'm guessing a trip before the holidays are over is out of the question... I mean, I work at the MALL...
I've hand coloured some pics lately with markers and I am liking the results. I'd like to find a book or tutorial cause I want to improve my style.
Ok. I am off to go watch CSI
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Poneeeeeees (LJ)
School started August 16th and regardless of the fact I went to my Math 103 class everyday for 3 weeks and even took the Chapter 1 test, there were still around 63 of us in a classroom that sits 40. Which means every day we all had to battle for seats. I gave up right away and brought my own folding chair and shared a desk with a willing enrolled student.
After three weeks it still looked like I wasn't going to get in and the add date was closing fast so I chose not to attend any more. Because you can't drop a class you aren't even taking. Anyhow, I am still taking Adobe Illustrator and Fireworks/Dreamweaver classes so I do have some things to do in the evenings.
I applied to the Apple Store here in town about a month ago and came into the store the same week I applied just to introduce myself to the manager and let her know I was a real person! She said they weren't currently hiring but would probably be picking up some Seasonal workers and I nodded and let her know anything would be great. I would like to work in a shiny store like that because at least I'd be in my element. Even if it was just for the Season.
Speaking of seasons, I've been wondering if people in the Southern Hemisphere hate having Christmas in the middle of Summer? It baffles me.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm really excited because it's with a woman who owns an ad agency and she's looking for someone to do print ready art and she even said that she offered some training so I wouldn't be working with no clue. This would really be a good place to start my graphics career!
Anyhow, I am only updating this because I am busy printing stuff up for my Portfolio. I shopped with mom for some sassy looking outfits and then got a haircut and style today that I hope stays looking as cute as it did when I left the salon.
On the internet I am HATING the economy on Subeta, the Lag on Neo and the 3 weeks of Pony Hoarding badness of the Adoptable Intro Forum.
After three weeks it still looked like I wasn't going to get in and the add date was closing fast so I chose not to attend any more. Because you can't drop a class you aren't even taking. Anyhow, I am still taking Adobe Illustrator and Fireworks/Dreamweaver classes so I do have some things to do in the evenings.
I applied to the Apple Store here in town about a month ago and came into the store the same week I applied just to introduce myself to the manager and let her know I was a real person! She said they weren't currently hiring but would probably be picking up some Seasonal workers and I nodded and let her know anything would be great. I would like to work in a shiny store like that because at least I'd be in my element. Even if it was just for the Season.
Speaking of seasons, I've been wondering if people in the Southern Hemisphere hate having Christmas in the middle of Summer? It baffles me.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm really excited because it's with a woman who owns an ad agency and she's looking for someone to do print ready art and she even said that she offered some training so I wouldn't be working with no clue. This would really be a good place to start my graphics career!
Anyhow, I am only updating this because I am busy printing stuff up for my Portfolio. I shopped with mom for some sassy looking outfits and then got a haircut and style today that I hope stays looking as cute as it did when I left the salon.
On the internet I am HATING the economy on Subeta, the Lag on Neo and the 3 weeks of Pony Hoarding badness of the Adoptable Intro Forum.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
School and Priorities (LJ)
Well, I feel bad (or is it badly?) that I didn't get more done this Summer. Part of it was, we had a major family emergency that we never could have planned for or been prepared for.
I graduated with my A.A. towards the end of May and then took a week off from life just to let the adrenaline wear off. After finding out I had literally been 3 classes away from my degree for over 4 years was annoying and yet also deeply relieving. I also found out I have 124 transferable credits. You hear that?? TRANSFERABLE. That means every lousy credit is transferable as a class in a 4 year college.
I feel jipped somehow. I feel like mental illness has just screwed with some of the most productive years of my life. I can't help but grind my teeth when I see the friends and acquaintances I know who have gotten married (and a few divorced) graduated with BA's, had children, gotten dream jobs while I have had nervous breakdowns, quit 3 jobs and barely finished college.
On the one hand I want to be proud and scream "SCREW YOU BIPOLAR DISORDER!!!!" Because I HAVE finished a degree, I HAVE been published a few times, had my art in the Fair, started my own business, run a few websites and basically, pulled myself out of the hole I dug as an un-diagnosed person.
On the other hand I succumb to the temptation to look at other people's accomplishments and then feel sorry for myself. Well, what the heck? That isn't helping at all. It's not getting my art done, it's not moving my business forward so basically I need to shout "SCREW YOU SELF-PITY!!!" Because it's stupid, it's not helping and all it does is make me look backwards and not into the future.
So, I guess my priorities this semester are, 1. Do my math homework every night, 2. Work on my cartooning at least 1 night a week. 3. Promote my jewelry business. 4. Talk to successful small business owners about what I need to do to stay on top. 5. File for a fictitious business license so I can have checks cashed to my business name.
I think those are do-able. I have a sub-goal of looking for part time work but my parents aren't pressuring me so they have basically told me as long as the job fits into my needs as a bi-polar person/student. I think I may look for a job at the mall in a smaller, lower traffic store. That way I can work weekends and days (I hope) Since 2 of my classes are night classes.
I feel better having blogged this. I guess I've been feeling pressure from my own expectations and it's been making me cranky.
Also, if anyone besides me is reading this, can you please message me with how to do cuts? I have no clue.
I graduated with my A.A. towards the end of May and then took a week off from life just to let the adrenaline wear off. After finding out I had literally been 3 classes away from my degree for over 4 years was annoying and yet also deeply relieving. I also found out I have 124 transferable credits. You hear that?? TRANSFERABLE. That means every lousy credit is transferable as a class in a 4 year college.
I feel jipped somehow. I feel like mental illness has just screwed with some of the most productive years of my life. I can't help but grind my teeth when I see the friends and acquaintances I know who have gotten married (and a few divorced) graduated with BA's, had children, gotten dream jobs while I have had nervous breakdowns, quit 3 jobs and barely finished college.
On the one hand I want to be proud and scream "SCREW YOU BIPOLAR DISORDER!!!!" Because I HAVE finished a degree, I HAVE been published a few times, had my art in the Fair, started my own business, run a few websites and basically, pulled myself out of the hole I dug as an un-diagnosed person.
On the other hand I succumb to the temptation to look at other people's accomplishments and then feel sorry for myself. Well, what the heck? That isn't helping at all. It's not getting my art done, it's not moving my business forward so basically I need to shout "SCREW YOU SELF-PITY!!!" Because it's stupid, it's not helping and all it does is make me look backwards and not into the future.
So, I guess my priorities this semester are, 1. Do my math homework every night, 2. Work on my cartooning at least 1 night a week. 3. Promote my jewelry business. 4. Talk to successful small business owners about what I need to do to stay on top. 5. File for a fictitious business license so I can have checks cashed to my business name.
I think those are do-able. I have a sub-goal of looking for part time work but my parents aren't pressuring me so they have basically told me as long as the job fits into my needs as a bi-polar person/student. I think I may look for a job at the mall in a smaller, lower traffic store. That way I can work weekends and days (I hope) Since 2 of my classes are night classes.
I feel better having blogged this. I guess I've been feeling pressure from my own expectations and it's been making me cranky.
Also, if anyone besides me is reading this, can you please message me with how to do cuts? I have no clue.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Desitin, Carpet Cleaning, Car Crashes, Broken Necks and Comic-Con (LJ)
WARNING: This is JUST A QUICK OUTLINE... I will edit and repost later!!!
In July I took the Amtrak/Pacific Coaster to Anaheim to pick up my sister and her 2 children. O and D are 2 1/2 and 1 respectively so I knew this trip would be... interesting. The train ride wasn't too bad but when I had to transfer to the bus in Bakersfield I got stuck on a small bus with no air-conditioning. COME ON PEOPLE IT'S 102 DEGREES OUTSIDE! Oh well, huh? I also had to sit across from the loudest little boy ever. And since I am overweight I made SURE to squish myself against the bus so my seat mate had plenty of room. NEWS FLASH: Men will spread out no matter how much room they actually need. So the bus ride sucked.
There was an hour delay once we got to LA Union Station so I read and waited. Once we got the call for boarding it was mayhem like it always is. Imagine 150 people running like there are wild dogs after them to make sure they get priority seating. Bwa ha ha. I do have priority seating. I almost always get business class which is like a teeny air conditioned heaven. There are always seats, you almost never have to sit with anyone and did I mention free coffee and snacks? Booyah! It makes the battle to get to the platform worth it.
Anyhow, I stored my snacks to share with the babies once I saw them and read for 45 minutes until I got to Anaheim. S picked me up at the station which is literally across the parking lot from the A's stadium, and dragged me to Albertson's so she could pick up groceries for dinner. I sat in the car with the babies and ate delicious home made fried chicken. And by the way, it's actually not fried. It's baked. Still delicious though! After S got the groceries we headed home which was good because I had a raging migraine and was beginning to feel ill.
Well, when we got to her apartment I had to resist the urge to be overly critical and I failed. It was hell on earth. There were 4 huge black trash bags full of trash. But I mean, papers, dirty diapers, food, bottles etc... There were toys, clothes, books, papers, DVD's, food bits, rotting sippy cups, piles of dirty laundry and DIRTY DIAPERS all over every surface of the apartment. By this I mean the floor, the table, sofa, sink, bathroom counter etc... Also, from 3 feet down, on EVERY WALL IN THE HOUSE there was food, crayon, pen, lip gloss and what may have been poop, I'm not sure as I didn't try very hard to figure that one out. To make it worse, it was over 90 degrees inside.
I don't know if it's a disease you come down with as soon as you move past Bakersfield but it seems like everyone south of there has no idea what an Air conditioner is. COME ON PEOPLE!!! It had to be in the 90's and I guess the excuse is that they live in Anaheim which is supposedly close to the Ocean but COME ON PEOPLE IT'S NOT THAT FREAKING CLOSE!!!! S' apartment was a sauna and she refused to run the little window unit. And I wasn't even asking to run it all day, I just wanted an hour of cool air while I tried to get rid of my migraine. (Which shockingly, isn't helped by heat)
I actually spent 2 hours whipping around her apartment tidying up what I could just because it was so filthy. I mean, my room is messy. I have boxes of unsorted art work and books, beads and shirts I still need to hang. But this went so far past untidy it kind of boggled my mind. Anyhow, I vacuumed the hall, scrubbed the toilet, wiped out one sink in the bathroom, cleaned off the main counter in the Kitchen and hung a bunch of pictures that had been sitting on the counter collecting dust and encrusted baby formula. I also swept the floor in the kitchen, organised some knick-knacks and managed to drop a crystal sugar bowl lid near D. That meant S and I had to pick up the shards before he could get to them. Guess who re-swept the floor?
Anyhow, after that I was sure I was going to pass out. It was so hot, my migraine had gotten worse and regardless of what I had done, there was no appreciable difference in the mess. Since S had to wait to pick M up from work, she let me crash on her bed and nap.
I woke up in a puddle of my own drool on S' bed around 11pm. M and S were both home and they had gotten Del Taco. So I ate a burrito and got ready to go to bed.
Let me tell you this. I wish I could have slept naked. It was so hot and her apartment was so dirty that I was sleeping on this really small couch Instead of the floor which in retrospect might have been more comfortable than the lumpy, evil entity known as that sofa in S' living room. I woke up repeatedly, in a lot of pain, because the wonder that is S' couch was making my back injury feel a little like I was sleeping on pointy rocks. I took 4 ibuprofin early on Saturday morning and tried to go back to sleep. When S got up to drive M to work I took over her bed.
Our plan for Saturday was to go to Disneyland which I was actually pretty excited about. In fact, I hadn't been to Disneyland in 20 years so I felt like this would be a fun trip. Unfortunately, due to poor planning on several people's part, we didn't leave the house until after 11am. I felt that this would be a problem because we hadn't packed a lunch which meant we'd have to eat at the park and also because it's the middle of the summer in Southern California. i.e. It's over 90 degrees in the sun.
We got to Disneyland around 12:30 and were able to park 2 rows away from where the trolley comes to pick you up. This was a blessing. S has several strollers but for some unknown reason had only taken one. So D got to be in the stroller and Aunt Jen got to take O around in... wait for it... a toddler harness. It's a rather well designed harness that goes over the shoulders and tummy and has a plastic snap lock which take dexterity that toddlers do not possess to open it. This one also had a rather long leash. Now, as ridiculous as this may sound, you try taking a 2 1/2 year old who can run at the speed of sound, to the "Happiest Place of Earth" in the middle of the summer, on a weekend without one. I DARE you.
O had obviously been in the harness before because she was ok wearing it and seemed to know the limits of the leash. This contraption allowed her a greater roaming are than if I had been holding her or holding her hand the whole time. It also allowed me to keep an eye on her without having to hold her the entire time. Whenever she got grumpy with auntie, S and I would switch places and I'd push D in the stroller.
The first ride we went on was "The Jungle Cruise" because I was hoping to see Skipper Kate. The line wasn't too long but standing in it gave me a taste of what the rest of the day was going to be like. The sun was relentless and even standing in the shade I was beginning to overheat.
-C- Later
Disneyland in the 90 degree heat, cranky toddlers, crankier aunty, another sunburn. :K BAD IDEA JEANS
Train ride home ok... until Hanford. Called Steph the "C" word (not like she didn't deserve it on some level)
One day into vacation and gramma totals her car and breaks her neck.
Hell breaks loose on so many levels.
I get "stuck" with a bored sister and 2 confused toddlers.
Go to the mall MOST EXCITINGDAY OF THE WEEK! At least I get a cinnamon roll.
Bass Lake for 4th of July. Ahhh. Nice weather, great food, tired toddlers... LOL D puked in my car. God bless L!
S leaves 5th of July but as she's packing to go she breaks mom's desk and O...
OMFG Get the Desitin away from her!
yeah, that. WTF? This is NEWCARPET!
Let's not even mention Daniel Cox... Much.
Ugh.
Comic Con Highlights: Long lines, sunburn, 2 hour wait for badge, comic making seminars, packed eshibit hall, Autographs from Stephen Notely, Chyna Clugston, Peter S. Beagle, Ray BRadbury, Neil Gaiman and Jhonen Vasquez
Prince Caspian trailer and pre-viz with Richard Freaking Taylor!!!!!!!!
OMG Ray Bradbury! *shakes*
Hooters with Jim... BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!
Kirsten dissing my weight.
In July I took the Amtrak/Pacific Coaster to Anaheim to pick up my sister and her 2 children. O and D are 2 1/2 and 1 respectively so I knew this trip would be... interesting. The train ride wasn't too bad but when I had to transfer to the bus in Bakersfield I got stuck on a small bus with no air-conditioning. COME ON PEOPLE IT'S 102 DEGREES OUTSIDE! Oh well, huh? I also had to sit across from the loudest little boy ever. And since I am overweight I made SURE to squish myself against the bus so my seat mate had plenty of room. NEWS FLASH: Men will spread out no matter how much room they actually need. So the bus ride sucked.
There was an hour delay once we got to LA Union Station so I read and waited. Once we got the call for boarding it was mayhem like it always is. Imagine 150 people running like there are wild dogs after them to make sure they get priority seating. Bwa ha ha. I do have priority seating. I almost always get business class which is like a teeny air conditioned heaven. There are always seats, you almost never have to sit with anyone and did I mention free coffee and snacks? Booyah! It makes the battle to get to the platform worth it.
Anyhow, I stored my snacks to share with the babies once I saw them and read for 45 minutes until I got to Anaheim. S picked me up at the station which is literally across the parking lot from the A's stadium, and dragged me to Albertson's so she could pick up groceries for dinner. I sat in the car with the babies and ate delicious home made fried chicken. And by the way, it's actually not fried. It's baked. Still delicious though! After S got the groceries we headed home which was good because I had a raging migraine and was beginning to feel ill.
Well, when we got to her apartment I had to resist the urge to be overly critical and I failed. It was hell on earth. There were 4 huge black trash bags full of trash. But I mean, papers, dirty diapers, food, bottles etc... There were toys, clothes, books, papers, DVD's, food bits, rotting sippy cups, piles of dirty laundry and DIRTY DIAPERS all over every surface of the apartment. By this I mean the floor, the table, sofa, sink, bathroom counter etc... Also, from 3 feet down, on EVERY WALL IN THE HOUSE there was food, crayon, pen, lip gloss and what may have been poop, I'm not sure as I didn't try very hard to figure that one out. To make it worse, it was over 90 degrees inside.
I don't know if it's a disease you come down with as soon as you move past Bakersfield but it seems like everyone south of there has no idea what an Air conditioner is. COME ON PEOPLE!!! It had to be in the 90's and I guess the excuse is that they live in Anaheim which is supposedly close to the Ocean but COME ON PEOPLE IT'S NOT THAT FREAKING CLOSE!!!! S' apartment was a sauna and she refused to run the little window unit. And I wasn't even asking to run it all day, I just wanted an hour of cool air while I tried to get rid of my migraine. (Which shockingly, isn't helped by heat)
I actually spent 2 hours whipping around her apartment tidying up what I could just because it was so filthy. I mean, my room is messy. I have boxes of unsorted art work and books, beads and shirts I still need to hang. But this went so far past untidy it kind of boggled my mind. Anyhow, I vacuumed the hall, scrubbed the toilet, wiped out one sink in the bathroom, cleaned off the main counter in the Kitchen and hung a bunch of pictures that had been sitting on the counter collecting dust and encrusted baby formula. I also swept the floor in the kitchen, organised some knick-knacks and managed to drop a crystal sugar bowl lid near D. That meant S and I had to pick up the shards before he could get to them. Guess who re-swept the floor?
Anyhow, after that I was sure I was going to pass out. It was so hot, my migraine had gotten worse and regardless of what I had done, there was no appreciable difference in the mess. Since S had to wait to pick M up from work, she let me crash on her bed and nap.
I woke up in a puddle of my own drool on S' bed around 11pm. M and S were both home and they had gotten Del Taco. So I ate a burrito and got ready to go to bed.
Let me tell you this. I wish I could have slept naked. It was so hot and her apartment was so dirty that I was sleeping on this really small couch Instead of the floor which in retrospect might have been more comfortable than the lumpy, evil entity known as that sofa in S' living room. I woke up repeatedly, in a lot of pain, because the wonder that is S' couch was making my back injury feel a little like I was sleeping on pointy rocks. I took 4 ibuprofin early on Saturday morning and tried to go back to sleep. When S got up to drive M to work I took over her bed.
Our plan for Saturday was to go to Disneyland which I was actually pretty excited about. In fact, I hadn't been to Disneyland in 20 years so I felt like this would be a fun trip. Unfortunately, due to poor planning on several people's part, we didn't leave the house until after 11am. I felt that this would be a problem because we hadn't packed a lunch which meant we'd have to eat at the park and also because it's the middle of the summer in Southern California. i.e. It's over 90 degrees in the sun.
We got to Disneyland around 12:30 and were able to park 2 rows away from where the trolley comes to pick you up. This was a blessing. S has several strollers but for some unknown reason had only taken one. So D got to be in the stroller and Aunt Jen got to take O around in... wait for it... a toddler harness. It's a rather well designed harness that goes over the shoulders and tummy and has a plastic snap lock which take dexterity that toddlers do not possess to open it. This one also had a rather long leash. Now, as ridiculous as this may sound, you try taking a 2 1/2 year old who can run at the speed of sound, to the "Happiest Place of Earth" in the middle of the summer, on a weekend without one. I DARE you.
O had obviously been in the harness before because she was ok wearing it and seemed to know the limits of the leash. This contraption allowed her a greater roaming are than if I had been holding her or holding her hand the whole time. It also allowed me to keep an eye on her without having to hold her the entire time. Whenever she got grumpy with auntie, S and I would switch places and I'd push D in the stroller.
The first ride we went on was "The Jungle Cruise" because I was hoping to see Skipper Kate. The line wasn't too long but standing in it gave me a taste of what the rest of the day was going to be like. The sun was relentless and even standing in the shade I was beginning to overheat.
-C- Later
Disneyland in the 90 degree heat, cranky toddlers, crankier aunty, another sunburn. :K BAD IDEA JEANS
Train ride home ok... until Hanford. Called Steph the "C" word (not like she didn't deserve it on some level)
One day into vacation and gramma totals her car and breaks her neck.
Hell breaks loose on so many levels.
I get "stuck" with a bored sister and 2 confused toddlers.
Go to the mall MOST EXCITINGDAY OF THE WEEK! At least I get a cinnamon roll.
Bass Lake for 4th of July. Ahhh. Nice weather, great food, tired toddlers... LOL D puked in my car. God bless L!
S leaves 5th of July but as she's packing to go she breaks mom's desk and O...
OMFG Get the Desitin away from her!
yeah, that. WTF? This is NEWCARPET!
Let's not even mention Daniel Cox... Much.
Ugh.
Comic Con Highlights: Long lines, sunburn, 2 hour wait for badge, comic making seminars, packed eshibit hall, Autographs from Stephen Notely, Chyna Clugston, Peter S. Beagle, Ray BRadbury, Neil Gaiman and Jhonen Vasquez
Prince Caspian trailer and pre-viz with Richard Freaking Taylor!!!!!!!!
OMG Ray Bradbury! *shakes*
Hooters with Jim... BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!
Kirsten dissing my weight.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Two weeks of Stupidity. (LJ)
Well, I shouldn't start a blog off with grinding my teeth, but after the last two weeks, that seems appropriate.
Two weeks ago on Tuesday mom and dad came home from shopping at Trader Joe's. If you don't have one in your city/country, it is a market that has organic foods and some fancier gourmet items as well. Anyhow, they had gotten healthy cereal, some fruits and veggies, fresh fish and just for a treat, some pre-made sushi. The kind they got was "California Rolls" which usually have a little avocado, fake crab (cooked) and carrots. I don't really like the taste of seaweed so mom got a package that was the sticky sushi rice rolled in toasted sesame seeds. I ate salad and a few of the Sushi rolls but was almost done with one when I felt a sesame seed get stuck between my back molars on the right side. I had braces for 3 years and I am used to small seeds or stringy meat getting wedged between my teeth. I finished my sushi and went to brush my teeth.
After a thorough brushing I flossed. Clean right? Well, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that I had something stuck up there. After flossing so many times my gums bled I gave up and got a compact mirror to look inside. My furthest molar looked like it had a triangular chip in it but somehow, the chip was still attached to the tooth. I called my dentist and got an appt. for Thursday.
On Thursday I went in and had x-rays taken and then the dentist came in. He looked over the x-rays and used the curved pick and mirror set to look for the chip, but told me it wasn't there. I insisted because this is the same tooth that has been bothering me since I got my braces off. The back molars on top and on bottom all got stainless steel bands around them and I was pretty sure a small cavity had developed during the time I wore braces. I find this a stupid irony since both my dentist and orthodontist told me I kept my mouth cleaner than almost all of the other patients they had seen.
Anyhow, my dentist finally chose to floss and when he did, the floss shredded in the chipped area. D'oh. He finally saw the chip. There was mumbling on his part and then he got a needle full of Novocaine and I pretty much knew what was coming next, despite the fact I have never had a cavity or needed a filling...
The Novocaine needle feels like, well like you are getting jabbed repeatedly in the gums with a sharp object. After a short wait, Dr. Griffin got out his drill. I was shocked and dismayed to find that the high pitched whining you hear in ads or movies, IS EXACTLY AS HORRIBLE IN REAL LIFE! Only a little worse because the noise and vibrations are amplified through your skull. It was ok for maybe a minute before he hit some not numbed part and I could fee searing heat and pain. I made a face and he stopped drilling and re-dosed me. We waited longer and then he continued. Eventually he got the chip out and discovered that I was right for the last 5 years, I DID have a extremely small, non growing cavity, caused by a gap in the cement when the band was placed. In other words: Not my fault. But It didn't really make me feel better because I have been proud of my cavity free life. With all of my other health concerns, having nice teeth has made me happy.
In the end he drilled out far more of my tooth then I would have ever wanted and then filled it. It's only slightly discoloured but I am still upset. I plan on seeing what I can do about my old retainers getting fixed and maybe I can have my "drifting" teeth kicked back into place.
My next two blogs will be on different subjects but in this 2 week period of complete and utter stupidity.
Two weeks ago on Tuesday mom and dad came home from shopping at Trader Joe's. If you don't have one in your city/country, it is a market that has organic foods and some fancier gourmet items as well. Anyhow, they had gotten healthy cereal, some fruits and veggies, fresh fish and just for a treat, some pre-made sushi. The kind they got was "California Rolls" which usually have a little avocado, fake crab (cooked) and carrots. I don't really like the taste of seaweed so mom got a package that was the sticky sushi rice rolled in toasted sesame seeds. I ate salad and a few of the Sushi rolls but was almost done with one when I felt a sesame seed get stuck between my back molars on the right side. I had braces for 3 years and I am used to small seeds or stringy meat getting wedged between my teeth. I finished my sushi and went to brush my teeth.
After a thorough brushing I flossed. Clean right? Well, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that I had something stuck up there. After flossing so many times my gums bled I gave up and got a compact mirror to look inside. My furthest molar looked like it had a triangular chip in it but somehow, the chip was still attached to the tooth. I called my dentist and got an appt. for Thursday.
On Thursday I went in and had x-rays taken and then the dentist came in. He looked over the x-rays and used the curved pick and mirror set to look for the chip, but told me it wasn't there. I insisted because this is the same tooth that has been bothering me since I got my braces off. The back molars on top and on bottom all got stainless steel bands around them and I was pretty sure a small cavity had developed during the time I wore braces. I find this a stupid irony since both my dentist and orthodontist told me I kept my mouth cleaner than almost all of the other patients they had seen.
Anyhow, my dentist finally chose to floss and when he did, the floss shredded in the chipped area. D'oh. He finally saw the chip. There was mumbling on his part and then he got a needle full of Novocaine and I pretty much knew what was coming next, despite the fact I have never had a cavity or needed a filling...
The Novocaine needle feels like, well like you are getting jabbed repeatedly in the gums with a sharp object. After a short wait, Dr. Griffin got out his drill. I was shocked and dismayed to find that the high pitched whining you hear in ads or movies, IS EXACTLY AS HORRIBLE IN REAL LIFE! Only a little worse because the noise and vibrations are amplified through your skull. It was ok for maybe a minute before he hit some not numbed part and I could fee searing heat and pain. I made a face and he stopped drilling and re-dosed me. We waited longer and then he continued. Eventually he got the chip out and discovered that I was right for the last 5 years, I DID have a extremely small, non growing cavity, caused by a gap in the cement when the band was placed. In other words: Not my fault. But It didn't really make me feel better because I have been proud of my cavity free life. With all of my other health concerns, having nice teeth has made me happy.
In the end he drilled out far more of my tooth then I would have ever wanted and then filled it. It's only slightly discoloured but I am still upset. I plan on seeing what I can do about my old retainers getting fixed and maybe I can have my "drifting" teeth kicked back into place.
My next two blogs will be on different subjects but in this 2 week period of complete and utter stupidity.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Harry Connick Jr. (LJ)
I got to see him in concert last night and it was wonderful. Besides just bringing his band, he also had two guest performers, a trombonist and a trumpeter who were just amazing!
They played jazz and swing and Harry played a grand, and upright piano and for one number, a little organ.
His voice is wonderful and he has a very affable personality. At one point he sat down on the stage and told us several stories he said he hadn't shared with other audiences. He revealed his panic and concern for his family who live in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina and his own personal efforts to make sure they were ok.
During several numbers he danced which was nice. He truly seemed to have great respect for his band and the music and was just a stand up guy. This might have been the best concert I have ever attended.
Because it was at a smaller theater the acoustics were freaking amazing and we were close enough to see the faces of everyone on stage.
*sigh*
I know most performers have to leave venues ASAP to get to the next one but I really wish I could have gotten a pic with him :D
They played jazz and swing and Harry played a grand, and upright piano and for one number, a little organ.
His voice is wonderful and he has a very affable personality. At one point he sat down on the stage and told us several stories he said he hadn't shared with other audiences. He revealed his panic and concern for his family who live in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina and his own personal efforts to make sure they were ok.
During several numbers he danced which was nice. He truly seemed to have great respect for his band and the music and was just a stand up guy. This might have been the best concert I have ever attended.
Because it was at a smaller theater the acoustics were freaking amazing and we were close enough to see the faces of everyone on stage.
*sigh*
I know most performers have to leave venues ASAP to get to the next one but I really wish I could have gotten a pic with him :D
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Last Week (LJ)
Not a bad week.
I did start it off a leeeetle "emo" on Friday after getting my make-up test grade back. But that week went like this. Monday: Study for Chap 9, Go to Web 2, Pack House. Tuesday: Take chap 9 test under HUGE stress, go home and spend 8 hours packing up the house. Wednesday: Leave extra early when carpeters get to the house, find out grade for Chap 9=27% Then learn Makeup test... THE NEXT DAY, get home late and start moving stuff back into house. Thursday: Take make-up exam. Friday: Discover make-up = 60% WTF? Go emo and cry for the rest of the day.
On Saturday I felt a little better and took mom out to Dinner and a movie. We saw Spiderman-3 and ate Chinese. Yum! ^_^ For Mother's Day she and Dad when to L while I spent the afternoon with my grandparents. :D
On Monday of this last week I found out my computer final was due and spazzed out but my Lab partner had stepped up to the plate on this one and I think we pulled thru wonderfully. We had no more class periods but I went and had questions answered by my math teacher. On Wednesday we took the final but we had to wait until FRIDAY for our scores. I literally tried not to think about my final or graduation at all until 12:15pm NST on Friday. When I got my grade I was so happy. My test was 79.3% so basically 1 point off from a B. My final grade in the class was 76% solid, so a nice, solid C. After the chaos of this semester, that truly feels like a victory!>
Anyhow, I drove home and then got to spazz for a good reason. I ironed my robe, put my tassel on my "dorky" hat and got ready.
Mom and dad dropped me off at the Seland Arena and went to pick up Laura. The wait was awful because they lined us up like cattle on a steep cement incline for over an hour. But it was kinda fun because a lot of us had never met and we got to chat and make jokes. When they let us go in there was cheering from all of us and it felt good to move. The processional was nice and it gave us a chance to size up the Arena and try to find our families. My mom and dad and Laura sat just off to the side and behind me so I got to wave and grin. The ceremony itself was beautiful and dignified. We had introductions, a Roll of Remembrance, a bagpiper who played "Amazing Grace." Earl Meyers (A famous singer) sang our National Anthem. Gary Soto was the honoured Alumnus and also Keynote Speaker. His speech was brief, but apt and enjoyable. We were then "presented" and row by row we walked across the stage and had our names read. This was beautifully done by 3 card readers to whom we handed cards with our names, and it a lot of cases, phonetic versions. They announced us, we shook hands with a board member, and then paused to receive the diploma tube from the President of the College. At this time we were photographed, then exited the stage and were photographed once more, then walked back to our seats. I sat near the back so it was a relief to have my turn come because it meant the ceremony was almost over. :D
When the last name had been read and we were all seated, 3 people got up and gave brief congratulations, then Earl Meyers sang "Climb Ev'ry Mountain." and then lead us in singing our Alma Mater. As I sang I thought, "This tune is SO familiar!!" Later it dawned on me that it's the song that our bell tower carillon plays at the top of every hour! We were finally able to go and marched up the stairs. People are pretty stupid because the audience was asked repeatedly not to leave until ALL of the graduates had left. That didn't happen of course so we all got smoonched.
I saw Craig who gave me a hug and congratulated me and asked if I'd be back and I said "Yep!" Then after a few minutes of panic I found my crew. We grabbed a few cookies and headed to Plaza Ventana for dinner.
It was nice to shuck off my robe and for once I ordered Fajitas with out guilt and also a strawberry margarita. YUMMY!!!!
We dropped Laura off at home and went home.
On Saturday I got a super pretty bouquet of red and white flowers, (GO RAMS!) With red roses, fern, carnations and button mums. I need to take a picture but it was so sweet of mom and dad! I also went to a Ladies Brunch at church with mom and grandma, picked Laura up from work and watched "Numb3rs" which I had missed due to the ceremony. Then I came home and mum took me shopping at Fashion Bug. I got a few "dressy" tops and quite a few t-shirts. I also got 2 new bras, which, I kid you not, are the first bras I have had in maybe 5 years!
Today I went to church and heard an awesome sermon on forgiveness and later went to a picnic at Woodward with Grandma and Grandpa.
And now, I am done, so I will take a nap. :D
I did start it off a leeeetle "emo" on Friday after getting my make-up test grade back. But that week went like this. Monday: Study for Chap 9, Go to Web 2, Pack House. Tuesday: Take chap 9 test under HUGE stress, go home and spend 8 hours packing up the house. Wednesday: Leave extra early when carpeters get to the house, find out grade for Chap 9=27% Then learn Makeup test... THE NEXT DAY, get home late and start moving stuff back into house. Thursday: Take make-up exam. Friday: Discover make-up = 60% WTF? Go emo and cry for the rest of the day.
On Saturday I felt a little better and took mom out to Dinner and a movie. We saw Spiderman-3 and ate Chinese. Yum! ^_^ For Mother's Day she and Dad when to L while I spent the afternoon with my grandparents. :D
On Monday of this last week I found out my computer final was due and spazzed out but my Lab partner had stepped up to the plate on this one and I think we pulled thru wonderfully. We had no more class periods but I went and had questions answered by my math teacher. On Wednesday we took the final but we had to wait until FRIDAY for our scores. I literally tried not to think about my final or graduation at all until 12:15pm NST on Friday. When I got my grade I was so happy. My test was 79.3% so basically 1 point off from a B. My final grade in the class was 76% solid, so a nice, solid C. After the chaos of this semester, that truly feels like a victory!>
Anyhow, I drove home and then got to spazz for a good reason. I ironed my robe, put my tassel on my "dorky" hat and got ready.
Mom and dad dropped me off at the Seland Arena and went to pick up Laura. The wait was awful because they lined us up like cattle on a steep cement incline for over an hour. But it was kinda fun because a lot of us had never met and we got to chat and make jokes. When they let us go in there was cheering from all of us and it felt good to move. The processional was nice and it gave us a chance to size up the Arena and try to find our families. My mom and dad and Laura sat just off to the side and behind me so I got to wave and grin. The ceremony itself was beautiful and dignified. We had introductions, a Roll of Remembrance, a bagpiper who played "Amazing Grace." Earl Meyers (A famous singer) sang our National Anthem. Gary Soto was the honoured Alumnus and also Keynote Speaker. His speech was brief, but apt and enjoyable. We were then "presented" and row by row we walked across the stage and had our names read. This was beautifully done by 3 card readers to whom we handed cards with our names, and it a lot of cases, phonetic versions. They announced us, we shook hands with a board member, and then paused to receive the diploma tube from the President of the College. At this time we were photographed, then exited the stage and were photographed once more, then walked back to our seats. I sat near the back so it was a relief to have my turn come because it meant the ceremony was almost over. :D
When the last name had been read and we were all seated, 3 people got up and gave brief congratulations, then Earl Meyers sang "Climb Ev'ry Mountain." and then lead us in singing our Alma Mater. As I sang I thought, "This tune is SO familiar!!" Later it dawned on me that it's the song that our bell tower carillon plays at the top of every hour! We were finally able to go and marched up the stairs. People are pretty stupid because the audience was asked repeatedly not to leave until ALL of the graduates had left. That didn't happen of course so we all got smoonched.
I saw Craig who gave me a hug and congratulated me and asked if I'd be back and I said "Yep!" Then after a few minutes of panic I found my crew. We grabbed a few cookies and headed to Plaza Ventana for dinner.
It was nice to shuck off my robe and for once I ordered Fajitas with out guilt and also a strawberry margarita. YUMMY!!!!
We dropped Laura off at home and went home.
On Saturday I got a super pretty bouquet of red and white flowers, (GO RAMS!) With red roses, fern, carnations and button mums. I need to take a picture but it was so sweet of mom and dad! I also went to a Ladies Brunch at church with mom and grandma, picked Laura up from work and watched "Numb3rs" which I had missed due to the ceremony. Then I came home and mum took me shopping at Fashion Bug. I got a few "dressy" tops and quite a few t-shirts. I also got 2 new bras, which, I kid you not, are the first bras I have had in maybe 5 years!
Today I went to church and heard an awesome sermon on forgiveness and later went to a picnic at Woodward with Grandma and Grandpa.
And now, I am done, so I will take a nap. :D
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Requiem for My Mind (LJ)
Sorry to anyone besides me who actually reads my posts... this one is going to ramble.
Last night I took mom out to a movie and dinner. We had a really nice time and just chatted about life and the movie. It was nice. This morning I got up and she was still here which surprised me a bit because she and dad are leaving to go to L to spend Mother's Day with dad's parents. I have been exempted from pretty much any trips to L due to my recent revelation that [REDACTED]. (Was there a fucking line people stood in when I was little?) It also explains to them the hysteria and panic attacks I'd have whenever we traveled to see them.
For the record, I am sick to death of this childhood bullshit. Why can't I push a rewind button and then re-record with an idealised version of my life? I'd like that a LOT better than the miserable truth.
Lately I have been introspective against my will. But I have already learned the truth that the harder you push something down, the more explosively it comes back up.
Today mom found an old picture book written in German. It wasn't meant to be a colouring book but I had taken a red crayon to all of the drawings. But I only coloured over images with eyes. Suddenly, with a strange clarity I remembered why. I had this sick fear that the devil would come or bad things would happen to me if I didn't colour, with a RED crayon, over the eyes and bodies of everyone in the book. I also recall getting screamed at by dad for doing so since the book is actually an heirloom. But this reminded me of books we don't have anymore that I also defaced. At least one Barbie colouring book and 2 Sesame Street colouring books.
Mom says it's proof my bi-polar disorder was coming to the surface even as a child and I agree. I also agree that this behaviour went hand in hand with scribbling on the wall and blaming my sister, cutting my own eyelashes and feet and other self destructive behaviour that eventually led to SI in Jr. High. Now before you call me emo, Jr. High for me was back in 1992-93 and I was struggling with my weight, and mercilessly teased at school. The word "emo" didn't even exist and as for it's predecessor, "grunge?" I wasn't allowed to listen to rock and roll.
Anyhow, when things got too painful I used to sit on these highly lacquered, black benches we had around the school grounds. And seeing that this is the Central Valley, they were never in the shade. On a 95-99 degree day they were too hot to sit on. I'd sit down anyhow and tuck my hands under me, feeling the searing heat blister my palms. Later, I learned to do the same thing with boiling water when I washed the dishes. I'd look at my hands turning lobster red, my skin screaming at me to stop until the heat felt like chills.
I cut for the first time when I was 17. My sister and mom were fighting and the stress in the house was incredible. I took a serrated bread knife and dragged it over my arms until I could feel the stress alleviate. Cutting slowly overtook other forms of SI but I practiced it infrequently, usually when a panic attack was so severe I literally felt as though I was dying. The panic gripping my mind, threatening to pull the top of my head off. My throat closing so tight I couldn't breathe, swallow or speak. Tears coming to my eyes unbidden but my hands so crippled I could do nothing but stick them in my mouth and bite down, trying to keep the violent urges to cut the hysteria out of my body at bay.
I can't explain what an attack like this feels like. Imagine being able to think, but your body and mind have literally shut down so far all you can do is cry and shake your head. If someone asks "Do I need to call the hospital?" and you can shake your head but not speak a single word, the hysteria and panic gripping you tighter. Nervous energy compels you to cut, to hurt yourself, because you know you won't feel it now, but maybe it will shock your brain into thinking normally... This article really puts it in plainer words http://www.coolnurse.com/self-injury.htm So if you are interested in learning more, please do.
Anyhow, two days ago I SI'd and I haven't for six months. I am pretty disappointed in myself only because I thought I was moving on past the need to do that. I found out I got a really crappy grade on my makeup test which I had been SURE was a sure thing. I later found out almost everyone in the class got 70% or lower which makes me feel a little better as most of us are in the same situation grade wise. Anyhow, I saw my teacher and found out I need a 47% on the Final, which is a 50 question multiple choice exam. Well, that's great except I did do poorly on the make-up which was a 34 question multiple choice. Granted, I ran out of time, guessed on the last 6 questions and UH... didn’t even see the back page so I missed 4 questions by not answering them but still. In the car I started figuring my odds but since I had been off of my mood stabiliser since Monday all I could think about was failing and my immanent death. By the time I got home I was thinking about what I would use to SI and decided a plastic butter knife would be nice because serrated knives tear wonderfully.
Yes. I was actually thinking that. Anyhow, I was also fighting with myself over this. I KNOW that it's bad, that it's wrong, that it hurts me and people around me. I also knew at the time that I couldn't breathe, think rationally or move. I ended up on the couch, staring at the ceiling, crying so silently my mom finally sat down next to me and prompted me to breathe. I was holding my breath for so long I didn't even realise I had essentially stopped breathing. Later when I "calmed" down a little I bit myself twice. Yes, this is SI. The last time I SI'd I had longer nails and I raked them down my face a few times and up my legs. GOD I LOOKED STUPID. Anyhow, biting didn't help at all and now I have huge purple green bruises on my left arm that hurt like the dickens. (does anyone actually use that phrase anymore?)
I eventually calmed down enough to take a Xanax which is an anti-anxiety medication. Then I realised I need to do several things this weekend. Study, do laundry and relax. Panicking will NOT help me pass my Final. As it stands, I also realise this: I can still walk in graduation and get my diploma later IF AND ONLY IF I don't pass. Which I don't think is an option or a possibility.
Now on to the most random thing I have ever written in a journal, ever.
After I quit my job in Feb 2005, I had a LOT of free time on my hands. Even as I looked for work I also realised my mind was pretty much unraveling. I had joined Neopets June 19, 2004 when my sister said it was a fun game. I painted Kittie baby in May 2005 I think. Anyhow, that summer I went to group therapy and played Neopets. My Bi-polar was so bad that a good day was getting out of bed to play. A bad day was not getting out of bed at all.
It's in my nature to be a peace maker and to find an equilibrium with people who have issues with me. It's not natural for me to KNOW that people are angry with me and do nothing about it.
I wish for all of the unkind things I ever said about anyone that I was able to go back and un-say them. Since that isn't possible I know I have done my best to humble myself and apologise to people I know I hurt through words and actions. That being said.... there were a lot of things that hurt me too. I guess I have to let go of that because "it's just a game" But in the long run, I wonder if anyone will ever know it's a game that saved my life?
Last night I took mom out to a movie and dinner. We had a really nice time and just chatted about life and the movie. It was nice. This morning I got up and she was still here which surprised me a bit because she and dad are leaving to go to L to spend Mother's Day with dad's parents. I have been exempted from pretty much any trips to L due to my recent revelation that [REDACTED]. (Was there a fucking line people stood in when I was little?) It also explains to them the hysteria and panic attacks I'd have whenever we traveled to see them.
For the record, I am sick to death of this childhood bullshit. Why can't I push a rewind button and then re-record with an idealised version of my life? I'd like that a LOT better than the miserable truth.
Lately I have been introspective against my will. But I have already learned the truth that the harder you push something down, the more explosively it comes back up.
Today mom found an old picture book written in German. It wasn't meant to be a colouring book but I had taken a red crayon to all of the drawings. But I only coloured over images with eyes. Suddenly, with a strange clarity I remembered why. I had this sick fear that the devil would come or bad things would happen to me if I didn't colour, with a RED crayon, over the eyes and bodies of everyone in the book. I also recall getting screamed at by dad for doing so since the book is actually an heirloom. But this reminded me of books we don't have anymore that I also defaced. At least one Barbie colouring book and 2 Sesame Street colouring books.
Mom says it's proof my bi-polar disorder was coming to the surface even as a child and I agree. I also agree that this behaviour went hand in hand with scribbling on the wall and blaming my sister, cutting my own eyelashes and feet and other self destructive behaviour that eventually led to SI in Jr. High. Now before you call me emo, Jr. High for me was back in 1992-93 and I was struggling with my weight, and mercilessly teased at school. The word "emo" didn't even exist and as for it's predecessor, "grunge?" I wasn't allowed to listen to rock and roll.
Anyhow, when things got too painful I used to sit on these highly lacquered, black benches we had around the school grounds. And seeing that this is the Central Valley, they were never in the shade. On a 95-99 degree day they were too hot to sit on. I'd sit down anyhow and tuck my hands under me, feeling the searing heat blister my palms. Later, I learned to do the same thing with boiling water when I washed the dishes. I'd look at my hands turning lobster red, my skin screaming at me to stop until the heat felt like chills.
I cut for the first time when I was 17. My sister and mom were fighting and the stress in the house was incredible. I took a serrated bread knife and dragged it over my arms until I could feel the stress alleviate. Cutting slowly overtook other forms of SI but I practiced it infrequently, usually when a panic attack was so severe I literally felt as though I was dying. The panic gripping my mind, threatening to pull the top of my head off. My throat closing so tight I couldn't breathe, swallow or speak. Tears coming to my eyes unbidden but my hands so crippled I could do nothing but stick them in my mouth and bite down, trying to keep the violent urges to cut the hysteria out of my body at bay.
I can't explain what an attack like this feels like. Imagine being able to think, but your body and mind have literally shut down so far all you can do is cry and shake your head. If someone asks "Do I need to call the hospital?" and you can shake your head but not speak a single word, the hysteria and panic gripping you tighter. Nervous energy compels you to cut, to hurt yourself, because you know you won't feel it now, but maybe it will shock your brain into thinking normally... This article really puts it in plainer words http://www.coolnurse.com/self-injury.ht
Anyhow, two days ago I SI'd and I haven't for six months. I am pretty disappointed in myself only because I thought I was moving on past the need to do that. I found out I got a really crappy grade on my makeup test which I had been SURE was a sure thing. I later found out almost everyone in the class got 70% or lower which makes me feel a little better as most of us are in the same situation grade wise. Anyhow, I saw my teacher and found out I need a 47% on the Final, which is a 50 question multiple choice exam. Well, that's great except I did do poorly on the make-up which was a 34 question multiple choice. Granted, I ran out of time, guessed on the last 6 questions and UH... didn’t even see the back page so I missed 4 questions by not answering them but still. In the car I started figuring my odds but since I had been off of my mood stabiliser since Monday all I could think about was failing and my immanent death. By the time I got home I was thinking about what I would use to SI and decided a plastic butter knife would be nice because serrated knives tear wonderfully.
Yes. I was actually thinking that. Anyhow, I was also fighting with myself over this. I KNOW that it's bad, that it's wrong, that it hurts me and people around me. I also knew at the time that I couldn't breathe, think rationally or move. I ended up on the couch, staring at the ceiling, crying so silently my mom finally sat down next to me and prompted me to breathe. I was holding my breath for so long I didn't even realise I had essentially stopped breathing. Later when I "calmed" down a little I bit myself twice. Yes, this is SI. The last time I SI'd I had longer nails and I raked them down my face a few times and up my legs. GOD I LOOKED STUPID. Anyhow, biting didn't help at all and now I have huge purple green bruises on my left arm that hurt like the dickens. (does anyone actually use that phrase anymore?)
I eventually calmed down enough to take a Xanax which is an anti-anxiety medication. Then I realised I need to do several things this weekend. Study, do laundry and relax. Panicking will NOT help me pass my Final. As it stands, I also realise this: I can still walk in graduation and get my diploma later IF AND ONLY IF I don't pass. Which I don't think is an option or a possibility.
Now on to the most random thing I have ever written in a journal, ever.
After I quit my job in Feb 2005, I had a LOT of free time on my hands. Even as I looked for work I also realised my mind was pretty much unraveling. I had joined Neopets June 19, 2004 when my sister said it was a fun game. I painted Kittie baby in May 2005 I think. Anyhow, that summer I went to group therapy and played Neopets. My Bi-polar was so bad that a good day was getting out of bed to play. A bad day was not getting out of bed at all.
It's in my nature to be a peace maker and to find an equilibrium with people who have issues with me. It's not natural for me to KNOW that people are angry with me and do nothing about it.
I wish for all of the unkind things I ever said about anyone that I was able to go back and un-say them. Since that isn't possible I know I have done my best to humble myself and apologise to people I know I hurt through words and actions. That being said.... there were a lot of things that hurt me too. I guess I have to let go of that because "it's just a game" But in the long run, I wonder if anyone will ever know it's a game that saved my life?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
CSS for dummies... (LJ)
YOU CAN'T USE THE CODING FROM AN S2 PROFILE FOR S1!!!!!
Also, I have California's oldest jar of Vegemite... Bought at a Cost Plus here in town it was packed back in June of 1989! O__o
We still use it too.
I have 6 units to do in chap 6 and am seriously thinking of taking a Hiatus from Beta and Neo just for my own good.
I won't feel safe until it's 6 down 3 to go and I have good grades on all of them. (Units in Math)
The last one was an A- which evens out the C- I got on the one before that.
Arg.
I have blogs from other sites I should bring over and experiment with back dating...
*weeps*
I also need to work on patience.
Also, I have California's oldest jar of Vegemite... Bought at a Cost Plus here in town it was packed back in June of 1989! O__o
We still use it too.
I have 6 units to do in chap 6 and am seriously thinking of taking a Hiatus from Beta and Neo just for my own good.
I won't feel safe until it's 6 down 3 to go and I have good grades on all of them. (Units in Math)
The last one was an A- which evens out the C- I got on the one before that.
Arg.
I have blogs from other sites I should bring over and experiment with back dating...
*weeps*
I also need to work on patience.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
B- in Math (LJ)
Ok.
I need to get my rear in gear! I have a B- in math and some of it is teacher error and some of it I need to turn in homework for 2 chapters we have already had tests for.
Luckily for me, she takes late homework.
On the craft class front, we have finished Amate paper and we are building looms. Whee!
:D
on the CSS front.
*dies*
The End.
Man, it's 12:39am and I am sooo tired!
I need to get my rear in gear! I have a B- in math and some of it is teacher error and some of it I need to turn in homework for 2 chapters we have already had tests for.
Luckily for me, she takes late homework.
On the craft class front, we have finished Amate paper and we are building looms. Whee!
:D
on the CSS front.
*dies*
The End.
Man, it's 12:39am and I am sooo tired!
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