Ugly Ugly Memories (LJ)

I am 29.

I was abused since infancy until 15 and have always told myself "It wasn't that bad"

So tonight I have memories I have smooshed down for ages but I can't and I feel like I am dying. It's very hard to swallow or breathe and I want to go back to that comfortable place in denial where I can keep claiming that it wasn't that bad and that other people had it worse.

Regardless of how much it might hurt later I want to go back and for some reason I can't and it's confusing me since I have always tried to deny all of this and it won't let me.

How do you deal with memories that just pop back up from "no where" Where you know they are true but it disgusts you so much it's hard to even think about them long enough to deny them??

I want to write more but it's so disgusting right now I can't think about it because I am getting anxious even typing this much,

I thought I was OVER this. I can always look at people and tell them with a calm face that it doesn't bother me but it DOES and I am freaking out.