Well, today being the 30th I realised I HAD to clean out my storage shed or pay another $64 and to be honest? I have already kissed over 5k goodbye in the course of 6 years and that money could have been a new laptop, a server sized Mac Pro, or a diamond ring for my 30th b-day. Instead it has been whittled away on a storage locker full of chipped furniture, hand me down dishes from dead relatives, other people's beds, couches, bikes etc, and boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of paperwork.
Un-ironically, it is almost all art. The next hefty part of it is my writing and then cards, letters and legal documents ranging from old check stubs and w2's to my birth certificate and report cards k-college.
So much of it is like a punch in the face. I can actually trace everything from metal illness, breakups, beatings, molestation and illness in the lines of faltering confidence (as reported by my teachers) lowering grades, decline of friendships.
And no, a lot of it isn't my fault!
But not to dwell on only negative stuff, I found letters from my sister with intricately illustrated envelopes from the year I was away in a private college. There are cards from holidays, but my favorites are cards just because with declarations of love from my parents.
One of the sweetest, and strangest cards I have is from a girl I met while in San Diego. In the card (ostensibly presented for my 22d birthday) she thanks me for being self confident and helping her see her own self worth and God's Love. The reason that's strange to me is because that was the year I was literally falling apart at the seams due to Bi-Polar Disorder coming to full fruition in my life.
I combed back through one of the boxes of cards, yearbooks and autograph books (the ones you sign at the end of the year) and over and over again people were saying thank you! O__O Thank you? To me? I guess so! For being kind, for lending a helping hand or sympathetic ear, for just being there. And I have people stop me in stores, in restaurants, at the college I go to now and say "Jennifer?!??! Do you remember me?? I'm so and so and we went to school together!" And then to my utter surprise they say something kind about me.
Why? What do people see? I have literally had complete strangers say I have a kind, helping spirit... If this is true, am I blind? Or is there something flawed in me? I tend to see the negative. My sarcasm, my annoyance, my jerky habits. And I mean in general, you know like when you get cut off in traffic, your first instinct isn't to say "Oh, cool"
I wonder if other people are wrong or I just can't or somehow won't see my positive aspects?
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