The last few weeks I have been slipping into a depression and despite my best efforts, it's worsening. Basically, I feel like I am losing my happiness and self confidence. I don't want to do anything, going out exhausts me and I am so tired of my job where i have to stand in the front door and smile and say "HI!" to people all damn day.
This epic battle with D has taken so much from me it's hard to explain. He's such a snake. So many times I have tried to escape from him and he shows back up, wrapping his coils around me and squeezing the life, confidence and happiness out of me. Verbal abuse is hard to deal with, it can be so subtle, cutting you so sneakily you don't notice you are injured until you fall to pieces. It would be unfair to say I hate him but he has done nothing but robbed me of my joy and then slandered me, made me feel worthless and a little like I want to die.
I have been on the verge of tears for days, occasional thoughts of dying coming to me, making me wonder if I'd be better off dead, or if those around me would be better off if i was gone. To be honest, I am struggling to come up with reasons they WOULDN'T be better off.
On Friday I worked a 12-5 but the chaos in the store was almost more than I could handle. I physically felt myself getting ill, needing to cry and beginning to stammer nervously. Everything that went "wrong" was like another tick in the "You suck" column and I was hyperventilating, desperately cramming down the words "I quit" that hovered in my mouth like flies around a corpse.
Eventually I calmed down and had dinner with my mom and dad, mom got a strawberry Margarita for all of to share and I calmed down a little more. But even then, I went home and did nothing, and yesterday just piddled around, trying to find reasons not to cry.
Today I went to church which should have been a blessing but I screwed up and opened my big bi-polar mouth after service.
We were supposed to have an auction for Missions (We do this once a year) but the spread was pretty pathetic compared to years past. So I said something. IDIOT. I didn't NEED to, I just did. So of COURSE it dawns on me that I was impolite so I apologised but I had really pissed the woman off and she said as much, so I slank back to my table and tried not to cry. What a screw up. Eventually I called my best friend to drive me home because I couldn't bear the thought of siting thru the auction with Kathleen glaring at me.
Normally, I'd be strong enough to shrug it off and realise that yeah, I was rude but I also apologised and if she needed to stay angry that's her need, not mine. But no, I internalised it and now I am at home, alone, feeling MORE depressed and like a huge loser.
I hate this me. Go away.
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